Tuesday, March 14, 2017

Confessions of a Channel Surfer - By Michael Buzzelli

It was supposed to be a relaxing night in front of the TV. It started out that way. I was a little too relaxed and dozed off with the remote on my lap. A loud bang on screen jolted me back awake. Did they shoot that guy? Alas, I will never know. Apparently, when I jolted up, I knocked the remote from my lap. When it fell, it landed on some unknown button and the picture went away. My TV monitor went blue, and the words “No Signal” playfully romped across the screen.

I started pressing buttons haphazardly, frantically. I did all the usual things. Made sure it was set to channel three. I made sure the box was on. I made sure the cable was screwed in tight. I pressed buttons I’d never used before. Some of them seem decorative. What does the green one do? Nothing?

I needed to know a couple of (literally and figuratively) pressing questions: What button got pressed? How do I fix this? Did they kill Agent Fitz? Was he replaced by a robot?

I spent several days without the television, on my own little island of the uninformed. I was the Robinson Crusoe of pop culture. A conversation at work went like this:

“Did you catch ‘Modern Family’ last night?”

“No. I am not watching television these days.”

“Did you give it up for Lent?”

“Nope. I hit a button.”

Several days later, my brother guided me through the problem over the phone. I had to click on the main menu, scroll down and activate the HDMI. It took several steps. For the life of me, I can’t figure out how the television got so lost on its own. That must have been some wicked fall from my lap to the floor. I’m not that tall, especially when sitting.

I never thought this would happen. Televisions have gotten too complicated for me. Suddenly, you need a remote to turn it on, a remote to change the channel, a remote for the DVD and a remote for the Roku.

I wanted to connect the living room TV and the bedroom TV to the Roku and was told, “You need a Fire Stick from Amazon.”

I replied, “An Amazonian fire stick? Why does it sound like I’m trying to overthrow the tribe’s shaman? I just want to watch Netflix in the bedroom.”

For the rest of the column, click here

Mike Buzzelli is a stand up comedian and a sit down author. His book, "Below Average Genius," a collection of humor columns culled from the Observer-Reporter, can be purchased here.

Thursday, March 2, 2017

Disney's Hall Of Presidents Selling Unneeded Animatronic Hillary Clinton On eBay As A Sex Robot

By James J. Hamilton
ORLANDO—Amid recent news that realistic sex robots are hitting markets across the globe, Disney World's Hall of Presidents is reportedly selling its now-useless animatronic Hillary Clinton on eBay as a sex robot.

Disney, which grossed $2 billion at the box office on Star Wars: The Force Awakens, refuses to simply throw the robot in the trash. Disney CEO Bob Iger said "Look, we wouldn't be a $150 billion dollar company if we passed up opportunities to make a buck."

Though the minimum bid was initially set at one dollar, Iger expects bidding to skyrocket once news of the auction reaches the alt-right, whose members' inability to attract real women makes it the ideal market for sex robots.

If the Hillary robot fetches a good price, Disney may dust off its superfluous John McCain and Mitt Romney animatronics and put them on the sex robot auction block next. "There's definitely someone out there," Iger said, "who would pay to be tag-teamed by McCain and Romney."

James J. Hamilton (@jamesjhamilton) is a comedian from Pittsburgh whose awesome genius is matched only by his incredible humility. Check out more of his writing and stand-up on his website jamesjhamilton.net.