Tuesday, February 28, 2017

Loud Talkers and Lane Jumpers - By Michael A. Buzzelli

I have been swimming at the gym. Actually, it’s more like swim-walking. I joined the gym at the end of August, and I sprained my AC joint in September. I still can’t lift my hand all the way above my head. Luckily, I don’t really lift my hand over my head very often. It only hurts when I’m swimming, or when I’m dancing to “YMCA.” I can do the “MCA” parts, but I can’t make the “Y.”

Instead of swimming, I walk in the water. Back and forth for one hour. It’s low-impact fun.

While I was doing my laps, a woman came in and sat in the Jacuzzi. This woman, however, brought her cellphone with her and was carrying on a loud conversation in the whirlpool. Sound in the pool area reverberates. Everyone heard her conversation.

P.S. It’s not eavesdropping if the person is obnoxiously loud in an echo chamber.

It was a pretty scandalous conversation. I would bet money that her Facebook relationship status was “complicated,” because her love life sounded like a math problem. Many people are in love triangles, but she was in some sort of love dodecahedron.

I spent most of my time trying not to listen. Then, at one point, I had to solve the equation. I started listening intently.

Just then, this guy gets into the pool and he starts swimming in my lane. To be polite, I moved to the next lane over. That’s when he started swimming toward me again. For a minute, I thought he was a heat-seeking missile disguised as a person, much like they make drones look like little birdies (see “Eye in the Sky” with Helen Mirren).

It took me several seconds to realize he was not locked and loaded. It turns out he just swam crooked. I picked up the lane buoys and moved over to yet another lane, just so he could joyously flop around in both lanes.

The lifeguard and I exchanged glances. I expected the lifeguard to say, “Hey, dude. You’re in that guy’s lane.” In my head, lifeguards pepper all their conversations with the word “dude.”

The lifeguard looked at me and shrugged his shoulders. I shouldn’t have expected this spindly little boy with a whistle to fight my battles, and, frankly, it wasn’t worth fighting about. There were plenty of open lanes.

This is the part where people normally say things like, “This is the problem with the world today. Everyone is so self-absorbed. They don’t pay attention to other people. They talk too loud, and they swim in your lanes.” Granted, that’s pretty specific, but you get the gist.

For the rest of the story, click here

Mike Buzzelli is a stand up comedian and a sit down author. His book, "Below Average Genius," a collection of humor columns culled from the Observer-Reporter, can be purchased here.

Monday, February 27, 2017

Trump Enjoys 95% Approval Rating With Nation's Fastest Growing Demographic: Dudes Who Leave Comments On Porn Sites

By James J. Hamilton
WASHINGTON—Pollsters say President Trump's approval rating has soared to an astonishing 95% among the nation’s fastest growing demographic: Dudes who leave comments on porn sites.

"Comment sections didn't really exist on porn sites when President Obama first took office," said Scott Rasmussen of Rasmussen Reports, "but the percentage of Americans leaving comments on porn videos has skyrocketed in the last few years." Pollster Frank Luntz warned: "Dudes who comment on porn videos are now a substantial voting bloc that can't be ignored. If Democrats can't break into that demographic, they're going to be in the minority for a long time."

PornHub user Hard_Cock_69, who commented that a video entitled "18 Year Old Slut Who Loves Anal" was "so hot i just jacked it twice in a porta potty at work lol," said he supports Trump's travel ban and believes the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals misapplied the standard of review for temporary restraining orders when it struck down the policy. 

"OMG I came so hard I almost jizzed in my own face," commented YouPorn user Epic69Boner420 in response to "Squirting Asian Schoolgirls Spanked Hard In Detention." Saying he voted for Libertarian candidate Gary Johnson but has warmed up to Trump somewhat since the election, Epic69Boner420 praised Trump's nomination of Neil Gorsuch to the Supreme Court and expressed excitement about Gorsuch's record of skepticism toward the Chevron doctrine, a precedent requiring courts to defer to executive agencies' interpretations of ambiguous statutes. 

Rasmussen and Luntz said Trump's approval rating hits 99% when the polling sample is narrowed to dudes who leave racist comments on interracial porn videos. PornTube user BigDicKKK1933, a rare member of that sampling group who does not support Trump, explained his opposition to the president by saying: "He let his daughter marry a Jew." BigDicKKK1933 added that the video "White MILF Takes Two Giant Black Cocks" is "a perfect example of why 9/11 happened." 
James J. Hamilton (@jamesjhamilton) is a comedian from Pittsburgh whose awesome genius is matched only by his incredible humility. Check out more of his writing and stand-up on his website jamesjhamilton.net.

Monday, February 13, 2017

My Funny Valentine - By Michael Buzzelli

Happy Valentine’s Day! Warning: If you call it Valentime’s or VD, I will smack you in the mouth. Hard. With a snow shovel.

I will not be celebrating this year. I am neither giving nor receiving. I am sans companion this year. Shakespeare would say I was unstruck by Cupid’s arrow. The politically correct term is Romantically Challenged. I’m not even sad about it. It’s saving me a small fortune. February is a terrible time to promise someone you will take them out to dinner. This year, it’s on a Tuesday. I don’t want to go out on a Tuesday. Personally, I’d ask for a raincheck and take you out on Thursday or Friday. I’m in a much better mood by then anyway.

But I’m not here for me. I’m here for you. I have some great Valentine’s Day gift ideas. I’m like a priest who doles out marriage advice. Skip the flowers and chocolate. Skip the fancy-schmancy restaurant (they’re all crowded anyway).

Skip the sexy lingerie, and give the object of your affection flannel pajamas. The weather in Western Pennsylvania is erratic. We’ve been pretty lucky this year, but it’s cold up here in these hills. Be sensible and buy something warm and snuggly. Let’s face it, unless you’re married to Sofia Vergara or Channing Tatum, it’s unlikely your partner looks good in sexy underthings. At least you can keep them warm and comfy instead.

Gentlemen, get your lady a basket of wine. Here’s an easy way to get the right one. Take an empty bottle out of her trash, take it to the store and say, “I need a dozen of these.” Replicate it exactly, down to the vintage year. If you buy merlot for a pinot grigio girl, there will be hell to pay. Brand names are important. If you buy a bottle of Barefoot when they drink Chateau Montelena, you will be sleeping in the wine cellar.

P.S. If you met your lady-love at an AA meeting, consider getting her a brand-new coffee maker. Think back, did you meet in a smoky church basement? It could have been AA or bingo. Get the coffee maker just in case.

Ladies, you don’t have to be clever and handcraft something. You don’t have to make an artsy decoupage box with hearts and flowers on it. You don’t even have to browse Etsy for something romantic. You can score a win on Valentine’s Day with a “I will not talk during sports and/or your favorite television show” card. All your man really wants is for you to shut your yap during his show. Never tell him about your aunt’s bursitis during the Super Bowl. Never say, “How can you watch that crap?” when someone’s eye gets gouged out on “The Walking Dead.” You will keep your man forever. For the rest of the story, click here

Mike Buzzelli is a stand up comedian and a sit down author. His book, "Below Average Genius," a collection of humor columns culled from the Observer-Reporter, can be purchased here.