I tried to steal a friend’s car the other day.
Don’t judge. There are extenuating circumstances that I am going to delineate below.
On Sunday, I rushed to get to a board meeting. I showed up at 11:07 a.m. I pulled into the parking garage in downtown Pittsburgh.
I couldn’t believe how fast I had gotten to town considering there was a baseball game that day.
I ran in to the meeting and apologized for being late. The board secretary, Cathy, asked me if I had an excuse, and I thought she was joking. I shushed her because the board was in the midst of a discussion.
After they wrapped up the agenda item, the board president, Claire, said to me, “We voted on a few things before you got here.”
I was aghast. I said, “Wait. How much business did you get done in seven minutes?!”
Everyone turned to me and stared. They were all making the “What you talkin’ ’bout, Willis?” face. I looked down at my phone, and I was about to defend my seven-minute lapse.
Claire very quietly said, “Mike, the meeting started at 10.”
I must have been making my “Yikes!” face, because the room erupted in laughter. I am glad that I no longer get embarrassed, or I would have turned red.
The meeting has always started at 10.
I don’t know where my mind was, but I’m at a point in my life where my own stupidity no longer shocks me.
On the plus side, no moronic thing anyone does shocks me, either.
I’ve become immune to idiots. It’s probably why this whole election cycle isn’t bothering me anymore.
But I digress, like I do. We got through a list of items on our agenda, and the meeting was adjourned promptly at noon. I issued another apology as we waited for the elevator.
I walked back to the parking garage thinking, “This was the fastest meeting I’ve ever attended. Oh. That’s right. I skipped the whole first hour.” I nearly slapped myself on the forehead, like you do when you forgot you could have been drinking a V8. Only no one willingly drinks V8.
I had my keys out and walked to the car. Linda, who also attended the meeting, walked toward me. She started laughing again from my earlier faux pas.
I was trying to change the subject by saying, “Oh! We must have parked near each other.”
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Mike Buzzelli is a stand up comedian and a sit down author. His book, "Below Average Genius," a collection of humor columns culled from the Observer-Reporter, can be purchased here!