Sunday, August 30, 2015

This Little Piggy Stayed Home - By Mike Buzzelli



You would think that after nearly drowning in the Youghiogheny River last week I would stay far, far away from the water. You’d be wrong.

Last Sunday, I went to the Settler’s Cabin wave pool. I was trying to squeeze out the last juices of summer before Labor Day hit and the pools closed.

Luckily, this particular weekend I spent more time above the water than under it. That’s a good thing.

Sure, I was kicked in the head by a few kids on inner tubes, but that is a hazard of the venue.

I had to leave around 5. I had to be somewhere at 7.

I was on my towel, drying off in the sun, when I realized it was getting precariously close to 5 o’clock. I jumped up.

That’s when I heard the familiar and sickening CLICK, followed by pain. Plenty of pain.

Here’s the deal: I broke a toe standing up.

I. Broke. A. Toe. Standing. Up.

Yes. I’m an idiot. There’s no other explanation.

I broke “the piggy who stayed home,” right next to the one that goes to the market.

It’s the second toe I’ve broken. A few years ago, I broke “the piggy who had roast beef” on a coat rack.

For the record, that’s a difficult toe to break because it’s right there in the middle. Smack dab.

By the way, toes are weird.

As a species, we’ve sort of evolved past the need for them. That’s why no one’s ever bothered naming toes. If they did have names, the newly broken one would be my index toe.

For some reason, it’s slightly longer than the big toe but not nearly as wide. I have no idea why it needs to be longer.

I have several holes in my socks where this particular toe tried to escape. I suppose I should also clip my toenails more frequently.

The good news is that it only hurts when I wiggle it. So, I’ve been trying not to wiggle it. It’s pretty easy compared to other appendages that are far more easily wiggled or adjusted.


For the rest of the story, click here.

Mike Buzzelli is a stand up comedian and a sit down author. His book, "Below Average Genius," a collection of humor columns culled from the Observer-Reporter, can be purchased here!

Wednesday, August 26, 2015

This week Ron bitches about people at costco, the shittiest airline known as Delta, and selling sports cards on eBay. 

Monday, August 24, 2015

Pittsburgh Comedy Festival: DAY THREE SCHEDULE, Sat, Aug 29 #PghisFunny @PghComedyFest

Saturday, August 29th
LIVE at The Henry Heyman Theater, in front of the Pitt Cathedral of Learning!
4301 Forbes Ave Pittsburgh, PA 15213



3:00 pm – Kids Comedy Cabaret
This Kids Comedy Cabaret showcases local talent that specializes in children and family entertainment!
Thanks to the Grable Foundation, this event is completely FREE!
Featuring: Uke & Tuba, Penny Arcade, Vince Charming



5:00 pm – Early Bird Improv Special
Hot Mess, Evan the Loyal, Kingsbury

6:30 pm – STANDUP EXPLOSION
Ahri Findling (NYC), Keane Cobb (Pgh), Lainie Lenertz, Zach Peterson, Mike Wysocki (Q92 Jim Krenn Morning Show)

8:00 pm – BOMBARDO with AUBREY PLAZA
Improvised Mythology, Warp Zone, Bombardo

10:00 pm – #PghIsFunny : A ‘Burgh-Based Comedy Spectacular!
Celebrate all that’s funny about Pittsburgh, featuring an all-star sampling of our PCF performers!
Featuring: Lee Terbosic, Jeff Konkle AND an ALL-STAR Improv Comedy Cavalcade of PCF headliners, instructors and teams!

GET TICKETS NOW!
Save $$$ and get a SATURDAY PASS or a FESTIVAL PASS!

Info, schedule & tickets: http://pittsburghcomedyfestival.org/

Don't forget to check out our incredible COMEDY WORKSHOPS happening all weekend!



Please SHARE this EVENT!

Pittsburgh Comedy Festival: DAY TWO SCHEDULE, Fri, Aug 28 #PghisFunny @ToddGlass @BombardoImprov

Friday, August 28
LIVE at The Henry Heyman Theater, in front of the Pitt Cathedral of Learning!
4301 Forbes Ave Pittsburgh, PA 15213



5:00 pm – TALKING FUNNY: THE PCF COMEDY PANEL
Chelsea Clarke, Todd Glass, Marcy Jarreau, Aaron Kleiber, Jared Pascoe
Join comedians and professionals from the entertainment industry, including Todd Glass (Comedy Central, Louie), Chlesea Clarke (UCB NY Instructor, Bombardo), Marcy Jarreau (UCB LA Instructor), Jared Pascoe (Docherty Talent Agent) and Aaron Kleiber (Gotham Comedy Live, Pgh Mag Best Comic) for a panel-style Q&A in the intimate setting of the Henry Heymann Theater (inside the Stephen Foster Memorial in Oakland). Get insights on comedy as an artform and as a career during this unique, FREE discussion.

6:30 pm – IMPROV APPETIZER
Primary Colours, 1816, Left For Dead

8:00 pm – TODD GLASS
(Comedy Central, Louie, Last Comic Standing)
Featuring: Shannon Norman (Pgh), Alex Falcone (Portland), Sean Collier (WDVE Morning Show, Pgh Mag)

10:00 pm – BOMBARDO with AUBREY PLAZA
Minority Re’port, The Writers’ Room, Bombardo

12:00 am – NO SLEEP 'TIL OAKLAND: MIDNIGHT STANDUP SHOW
Terry Jones (Q92 Jim Krenn Show), Emma Arnold (Boise), Alex Stypula (Pgh), Gordan Baker (NJ), Tony ‘T-ROBE’ Roberson (Pgh)

GET TICKETS NOW!
Save $$$ and get a FRIDAY PASS or a FESTIVAL PASS!

Info, schedule & tickets: http://pittsburghcomedyfestival.org/

Don't forget to check out our incredible COMEDY WORKSHOPS happening all weekend!


Please SHARE this EVENT!

Pittsburgh Comedy Festival: DAY ONE SCHEDULE, Thur, Aug 27 #PghisFunny @ToddGlass @BombardoImprov

Thursday, August 27th
LIVE at The Henry Heyman Theater, in front of the Pitt Cathedral of Learning!
4301 Forbes Ave Pittsburgh, PA 15213



8:00 pm – TODD GLASS
Todd was a contestant on the second and third seasons of NBC's Last Comic Standing and has appeared on Jimmy Kimmel Live, Late Night with Conan O'Brien, Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn, the Sarah Silverman Program, Mr. Show with Bob and David, and his own Comedy Central Presents special.
FEATURING: Andy Picarro (Pgh), Kristen Lundberg (Chicago), Bill Crawford (WDVE Morning Show)

10:00 pm – FRIENDLY NEIGHBORHOOD IMPROV SHOW
babyGRAND, Hustlebot, #1 Party School, Hotel Nowhere

GET TICKETS NOW! Save $$$ and get a Thursday pass or a FESTIVAL PASS!
http://pittsburghcomedyfestival.org/passes/


Info, schedule and tickets: http://pittsburghcomedyfestival.org/


Don't forget to check out our incredible COMEDY WORKSHOPS happening all weekend!

Sunday, August 23, 2015

Rolling on the River - By Michael Buzzelli


Friedrich Nietzsche once said, “That which does not kill us makes us stronger,” to which I want to respond with, “Really?” I don’t feel stronger.

Last Saturday, I went on my second, and most likely last, whitewater rafting trip.

The first one was a lot of fun because I didn’t die. The second one was a lot less fun because I almost did. While it’s evident I have a flair for the dramatic, I am pretty sure I’d be the special guest star at a funeral if things had gone even slightly more wrong.

We were four mighty rafts on the Youghiogheny that day.

There were six people on my raft, which was one person too many considering how low the water was. Don’t worry: I rectified the situation by falling out of it. Boom. Splash. I struggled for air and had to glide my way back to the raft.

Luckily, I remembered my instructions to keep my nose and toes above water (they warn against swimming normally because your feet can get caught on the rocks).

Thinking back to the instructions, I realized too many sentences ended with, “If you don’t do it this way, you’ll die.”

If you don’t wear a helmet, you’ll die. If you don’t wear your life vest, you’ll die. If you don’t keep your feet up, you’ll die.

After I nearly drowned, I was sort of over it in a big way. Water: Over it, because I was under it. I didn’t feel safe and I wanted out. Unfortunately, I had to continue to ride the rapids until we could get to a safe exit point. I was terrified as we hit every single rapid and rock on the way.

Finally, I got to a safe extraction point.

It was a surprisingly short walk back to the rental office, even though I was carrying a life vest, paddle and helmet. Once I was there and turned in my equipment, all I had to do was wait for my friends to finish the trip. I decided to go swimming.

Yes, in the very same water that tried to kill me. I really didn’t have too many options.

My wallet, cellphone and car keys were seven miles away, locked up in another car at the exit to the river ride.

I got in the water at a relatively calm spot. I didn’t want to be afraid of it. P.S.: Two days later, I dreamt about a group of teens who could turn into fish. I am completely sure it’s unrelated. (Rolls eyes.)


For the rest of the story, click here


Mike Buzzelli is a stand up comedian and a sit down author. His book, "Below Average Genius," a collection of humor columns culled from the Observer-Reporter, can be purchased here!



Thursday, August 20, 2015

Pittsburgh Comedy Festival: Comedy Panel Q&A and Workshops all weekend! August 28-30, 2015


Pittsburgh Comedy Festival is coming up next weekend, August 27-29! Apart from the incredible performances lined up for the festival, we've also got some exciting "extracurriculars" that will likely be of interest to local talent!

Join comedians and professionals from the entertainment industry, including Todd Glass (Comedy Central, Louie), Chlesea Clarke (UCB NY Instructor, Bombardo), Marcy Jarreau (UCB LA Instructor), Jared Pascoe (Docherty Talent Agent) and Aaron Kleiber (Gotham Comedy Live, Pgh Mag Best Comic) for a panel-style Q&A in the intimate setting of the Henry Heymann Theater (inside the Stephen Foster Memorial in Oakland). Get insights on comedy as an artform and as a career during this unique, FREE discussion.

Exercise your funny bone at one of PCF2015's afternoon workshops! Taught by qualified instructors, including members of PCF's headlining acts, these workshops will enrich your understanding of comedy and elevate your abilities as a performer. All taking place in the Henry Heyman Theater or the Cathedral of Learning, Oakland!
UCB Primer Workshop with Chelsea Clarke - Come learn the basics of UCB style improv, or brush up on those basics, even if it’s been awhile since your last class!
Sketch Workshop with Beth Newell - This workshop will focus on collaboration in the writers room and finding your writing voice.
Efficent Improv with Marcy Jarreau - Don’t waste any part of your improv. Pull the best premise and get to the point faster in initiations, tags, and 2nd beats.
Shakespearean Improv Workshop with Steve Kleinedler - A quick primer in how to improvise in the style of Shakespeare, both soliloquies and dialog.
ViewPoints: Elements of Theater Workshop with Kristen Schier - Through loosely devised scene creation, students will explore these elements … with the end goal of enriching their scene work and empowering them in performance.
Improv First Aid Workshop with Chris Griswold - The first rule of first aid is to take care of yourself before you can take care of someone else.

Check out times, locations and more info here, and SIGN UP ASAP -- these small sessions are filling up fast!


Go to PittsburghComedyFestival.org for show listings, tickets and more info!

Epicast Presents: An all day party of podcasts, comedy, music, art. and more.

Click here for more info and tickets.

Does This Hold Up event commercial


Live podcasts with special guests including: Bill Crawford, Mikey & Big Bob, Collin Chamberlain, Tom Henry, Shannon Norman, Andy Picarro, and Tim Ross

Food from Sweet Peaches and Kelly's.
Beer & Booze provided by Full Pint Brewery and Beam Suntory.

Work Hard Pgh
744 E Warington Ave.
Pittsburgh, Pa 15210

Black Forge Coffee House
1206 Arlington Ave.
Pittsburgh, Pa 15210

www.epicastnetwork.com
www.purplepass.com/epicastpresents

Sunday, August 16, 2015

Dora goes Downtown - By Mike Buzzelli


I was coming home from work on the bus the other day when I got smacked in the face with a backpack. It was an unintentional face-whapping. The businessman who was wearing said backpack was unaware of his own circumference. I was in the aisle seat, and he was standing above me holding the bar. He turned to say hello to a friend, and I got a face full of The North Face.

After he hit me in the face a second time, I offered him my seat. I figured he’d be much less dangerous if I were standing and he were sitting. Unfortunately, he declined my generous offer. His stop was coming up. I got hit in the face one more time before he disembarked.

Here’s what I want to know: Why are grown men wearing backpacks to work? You’re going to be away from home for eight to 10 hours at the maximum. You are not climbing the Matterhorn. You’re not even Dora the Explorer!

Whatever happened to the attaché or briefcase? Since people carry them at the end of their arm, you can only be intentionally whacked in the face with one, usually by Bond. James Bond.

If you’re a college kid and you’re wearing a backpack or book bag, go for it. They go great with jeans and T-shirts with snarky sayings on them. Bazinga! However, backpacks look ridiculous with your blue blazer and matching necktie.

By the way, I am actually kind of glad that ties are going away. You really only see them at weddings, funerals and job interviews.

Ask any Mark, Rick or Steve, “The only thing that separates us from the animals is our ability to accessorize.”

I keep wondering what’s next. Are people going to be accompanied by a Sherpa on their way to work?

“Pack the yak! We’re heading to the office!”

What is in there? It felt like laptop, some important PowerPoint slides, an apple and a leftover turkey sandwich. You don’t need a backpack for that! By the way, Darrin Stephens or Mike Brady would never have been caught dead with a backpack (Note: a Cliff Huxtable joke was deleted, because it was a bit too rapey).


For the rest of the story, please click here


Mike Buzzelli is a stand up comedian and a sit down author. His book, "Below Average Genius," a collection of humor columns culled from the Observer-Reporter, can be purchased here!




Monday, August 10, 2015

Andy and Ron return and debate on exercise. Does it suck? Can Andy do a pull-up? Download and subscribe now to find out






Sunday, August 9, 2015

Behind the Eight Ball - By Mike Buzzelli


I didn’t like my horoscope today, so I consulted a second opinion. It didn’t work. Whoever runs that racket has the same garbage up on each page. I went to my horoscope for the following day. When I learned things would be better tomorrow, I was satisfied.

It wasn’t necessarily bad news, but news I didn’t want to hear, like, “You need to focus today. Be free of distractions. You’re going to need your A game.”

First of all, I was looking up horoscopes, I was already distracted. No one boots up the computer just to look at their daily horoscope.

It was a circuitous route. Distraction No. 1: I went there from “Furthest Known Galaxy in the Universe discovered!” By the way, this can only be true until they find the NEXT furthest known galaxy in the universe, which could be any day now.

Distraction No. 2: I then read an article about J.J. Abrams. It also had a tangential astronomical connection, as it had to do with “Star Wars.”

Distraction No. 3: The Daily Libra. Our future is in the stars. Apparently, I had a theme night with my Internet distractions, space, stars and Deathstars.

When I was a kid, I always wanted a Magic Eight Ball. I never had one. I always had to go over to a friend’s house for a consultation. The ball always knew. Unless it said, “Ask again later,” which was the most annoying thing the black ball could say. I hated that. If I had the patience to ask again later, I wouldn’t be asking the question right now. I once had three straight, “ask again later” responses. I think I learned my lesson because I didn’t ask it again after that.

I don’t really believe a little white, plastic, icosahedral die floating in dark blue dye knew the future. That’s crazy! Except when it was right. You know I would shake the thing until I got the answer I wanted, which was usually, “Most definitely yes!” That way, there was no wiggle room.

For the rest of the story, click here


Mike Buzzelli is a stand up comedian and a sit down author. His book, "Below Average Genius," a collection of humor columns culled from the Observer-Reporter, can be purchased here!


Sunday, August 2, 2015

This was the week that was - by Mike Buzzelli



It was a busy week, and I was running late with my column. So, I thought it would be easiest if I just took a page out of my diary and shared that with you. It follows:

Sunday: I woke up in the hotel in Washington, D.C., at 8:30 a.m., even though I was out really late the night before. What a night! See: Saturday’s entry.*

* Entry not included. Sorry.

I ate the breakfast buffet at the hotel. Luckily, they had an omelet station. I don’t like it when they put the eggs in a big silver tray and keep them warm under a heat lamp. It turns into a bright yellow brick of eggs. The yellow square is unappetizing. That’s just a weird shape for eggs.


My Aunt Terri and I lounged by the pool until checkout. Afterward, we went to the farmers market in Dupont Circle. They had a lot of artisanal cheeses, sorbets and herb-infused waters. It was gastronomic heaven. Later, I dropped her off at the Metro station so she could catch a train back to Virginia. I drove back to Pittsburgh.

Monday: Met up with Mayor Bill Peduto. Brian Edward and I went to the mayor’s office to interview him for the 100th episode of ’Burgh Vivant, Pittsburgh’s cultural talk magazine (Subscribe! It’s free). After the interview, Mayor Bill took us on a tour of his office. He has a lot of cool stuff in there: a couple of Burton Morris paintings, and a few artifacts from previous administrations, including a 3D model of Pittsburgh from Sophie Masloff’s era. I stood over it and pretended to be Godzilla. It’s what you do in these circumstances. Also, I wanted to update it by picking up the Civic Arena and throwing it in the trash, but the mayor stopped me.

Tuesday: I got a great haircut. Somehow the stylist elongated my face. It looks more square than round, and I’m thrilled with the illusion.

Wednesday: It was the first international “Say Day.” Chicago improviser TJ Jagodowski organized an event in memory of his late friend Jason Chin. Jagodowski (by the way, that would be an awesome name for a Pittsburgher) said lovely things for his friend at a memorial and decided he wanted to say lovely things about all of his friends while they were alive to hear it. So, he organized the event. A group of Pittsburgh improvisers, Kristy Nolen, Jason Clark and Chris Leone (all from the Arcade Comedy Theater) picked up the ball here locally and invited everyone to a party at the Sharp Edge.

For the rest of the story, click here





Mike Buzzelli is a stand up comedian and a sit down author. His book, "Below Average Genius," a collection of humor columns culled from the Observer-Reporter, can be purchased here!