Sunday, June 28, 2015

The Day of the Dolphins by Mike Buzzelli



I have triumphantly returned from the beach. Aside from my deep-seated hatred of my alarm clock, I’m still carrying around a positive, post-vacation smiley face. It’s a peaceful, easy feeling.

I spent a few days in Virginia and North Carolina. I went to the beach, the pool and a museum. I rode in a very fast boat and swam about 50 feet away from dolphins. One particular dolphin, Splashy McSplasherson (my own nickname for her), was showing off; she was splashing around incessantly. I heard there were a lot of newborns in the pod, and it’s quite possible she was just learning to use her flippers. I don’t want to unnecessarily anthropomorphize the sea mammal, but I guess I lost that fight the moment I gave her a name. Also, I was never that close to discern the sex of the animal but decided that she was a girl dolphin; because most people think of dolphins as boys (I blame Flipper). I want to add that even if I was able to get extremely close to the dolphin, I would probably still be unable to determine the sex of the creature.

Picture me, in a gravelly Dr. McCoy voice, saying, “Dammit Jim, I’m not a marine biologist, I’m a humorist!”

P.S.: I suppose it doesn’t matter if it’s a male or female dolphin. I’m not going to date one.

While on a dolphin-watching expedition, I learned bottlenose dolphins have signature whistles, a whistle that is unique to a specific individual. These whistles are used in order for dolphins to communicate with one another by identifying each individual. In other words, they have their own names, and they can recognize each other even after being apart for 20 years. I don’t want to be specist, but all dolphins look the same to me (I want to go on record as saying I don’t hate any dolphins, except when the Steelers are in Miami).

Clearly, dolphins are smarter than I am. I don’t remember people after 20 minutes; certainly not after 20 years. I ran into someone from high school, and I had to run home and look him up in the yearbook. To be fair, most dolphins don’t get fat and bald. It’s all the swimming.





(Mike Buzzelli is a stand up comedian and a sit down author. His book, "Below Average Genius," a collection of humor columns culled from the Observer-Reporter, can be purchased here:
http://www.amazon.com/Below-Average-Genius-Michael-Buzzelli/dp/1605949310/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1427641848&sr=8-1&keywords=below+average+genius)


Thursday, June 25, 2015

4th ANNUAL DVE COMEDY FEST DEPLOYS FUNNY PEOPLE ALL OVER TOWN: Friday, June 26, 2015



FOURTH ANNUAL DVE COMEDY FEST DEPLOYS FUNNY PEOPLE ALL OVER TOWN
The DVE Comedy Festival regularly attracts nationally known acts to Pittsburgh’s thriving comedy scene, previously featuring buzzed-about comedy queen Amy Schumer and comic and actor Harland Williams. So it’s no surprise that the lineup for the fourth annual fest is packed — tomorrownight’s main event at the Byham Theater boasts “SNL” Weekend Update co-anchor Michael Che, bestselling author Jim Norton, iTunes chart-topper Tom Segura and Christina Pazsitzky, co-host of the quirky, widely acclaimed podcast “Your Mom’s House.”
The main event is far from the only show in town — as part of the festival, there will be three other stages of comedy around the city. Comedians will battle it out at Arcade Comedy Theater’s “Comic Wars,” where they’ll split into two teams for an improvised showdown. Another group of local and touring comics will take over South Side’s Rex Theater at 10 p.m. If you’re still looking for more laughs late into the night, Club Cafe is hosting an installment of the popular, recurring “Loaded Show” at midnight, hosted by Aaron Kleiber.
(Byham Theater tickets and info here; Arcade Comedy Theater tickets and info here; Rex Theatertickets and info here; Club Cafe tickets and info here)

Monday, June 22, 2015

"The Brain on Vacation" by MICHAEL BUZZELLI


If everything goes according to plan, right now I’m on the beach. My mind left for the beach days ago. My body is a day or so behind. For those of you who suspected my brain to be a large, vacant, gray area devoid of any real thought, you are, at least at this time, correct.

I’m taking a few days and heading to where the land meets the ocean and says, “How do you do?” It’s a place where the waves smack endlessly against the sand.

A day before I leave, there’s a bounce in my step. It’s not just because the heel of my loafers is separating from the shoe. My right foot makes whoopee cushion noise every time I walk down an uncarpeted hallway. It’s a lot like the noise a sponge makes when you wring it out. Darn, that discount shoe store!

But I digress, like I do. The last couple of days, it was difficult to get out of bed, especially on those dreary, rainy mornings. I hit snooze twice and then turned off the alarm altogether. Finally, I rolled out of bed. Later, I found myself lumbering to the office from the parking lot, a slow, steady zombie walk. Any minute, Rick Grimes is going to pop out from behind a mailbox and blast my head off.

But today, the day before I drive to the beach, I’m positively leaping out of bed. Ironically, it’s so I can sleep in while on vacation. I’m good at a lot of stuff, but getting out of bed before the sun isn’t one of them.

I did notice going to the beach is a terrific motivator. Since I’m traveling by car, I had the oil changed, got a part fixed and washed my vehicle.

(Mike Buzzelli is a stand up comedian and a sit down author. His book, "Below Average Genius," a collection of humor columns culled from the Observer-Reporter, can be purchased here:
http://www.amazon.com/Below-Average-Genius-Michael-Buzzelli/dp/1605949310/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1427641848&sr=8-1&keywords=below+average+genius)

Pittsburgh Comedy Festival LAUNCH PARTY and FUNDRAISER at WIGLE WHISKEY, Northside: 530PM Thursday, June 25th, 2015




Ain't no party like a PCF party, 'cause a PCF party has cocktails! And that's just the beginning...
Pittsburgh Comedy Festival's Comedy Open House this Thursday! Even if you can only come by for a moment please grab a ticket online (only $5!) and come out to support your city and your comedy scene. There will be food, games from City of Play and BOOOOZE.
It's at Wigle Whiskey's Whiskey Garden and Barrelhouse in the Northside from 5:30-9pm
Buy in advance and save yourself money for another drink! And also tell your friends!!


If you’re curious about exploring the city’s comedy scene, or an existing fan eager to show your support, this super-fun fundraising party is for you! Enjoy short sets from local improv and stand-up acts, join in grown-up-friendly games lead by City of Play, and indulge in fantastic cocktails from Wigle’s award-winning distillery. Hungry? No worries – there’ll be food trucks on hand offering up tasty treats.



The Comedy Open House will also feature a delightfully unconventional comedy raffle. Buy tickets throughout the evening for the chance to be featured in a comedian’s set, have a song made up about you on the spot, and much more.

And of course, a slew of PCF staff members and performers will be in attendance to answer questions about the festival, set you up with passes, and chat about all the amazing people, venues, and opportunities awaiting comedy-interested Pittsburghers.

A portion of the proceeds from the evening will be donated to Pittsburgh Comedy Festival, which is a project of the non-profit group Comedy Arts Pittsburgh. PCF and CAP aim to expose Pittsburgh to the art of comedy, raise awareness of the imaginative, innovative talent that exists in the city, and engage Pittsburghers of all ages in the growing comedy community.

Tickets are $5 online at http://pittsburghcomedyfestival.org/comedy-open-house/ and $8 at the door. This event is 18+. Come party with us!


Sunday, June 14, 2015

A Walk with Dinosaurs

Comedian and author Mike Buzzelli 

“Jurassic World” just opened at the movie theaters, and I can’t wait to see it. I love dinosaurs from the Jurassic to the Late Mesozoic. My favorite is the scariest one of them all, the Tyrannosaurus rex. It’s simple nostalgia. There were a lot of dinosaurs around when I was a kid. Wait! Not actual dinosaurs. Geez, I’m not THAT old.

We had a lot of television shows about the Cretaceous critters back in my day, like “The Flintstones,” “Dinosaucers” and “Land of the Lost.”

I used to thrill as Rick, Will and Holly Marshall fended off T-rexes with a battering ram on “The Land of the Lost.” I always felt bad for their little man-ape friend Cha-Ka, who would freak out every week. He was the only one who seemed to realize that dinosaurs were big, freaking, man-eating monsters (or Pakuni-eating monsters, in his case).

The Marshalls were very blasé about fighting dinosaurs. It was before the days when green-screen guys with golf balls sewn all over their body would stand in for the actual monsters; most of the time the actors were looking slightly to the left of the T-rex and not actually at him. I also think the actors were a little bit high. I am convinced the creators, Sid and Marty Krofft, were. How else would you explain “H.R. Pufnstuf”? The name alone implies they were smoking something. Don’t even get me started on Charles Nelson Reilly running around on a kids’ show about talking top hats!

The “Jurassic World” critters look a lot more real, but I am having a slight problem with this new movie. As much as I love dinosaurs, I don’t know if I would vacation on an island with them. That seems like a really bad idea, like going-down-in-a-shark-tank bad. I’m talking an actual shark tank and not just trying to sell Mark Cuban some hot, new business idea. If you take into account the first couple “Jurassic Park” movies, it’s even more ludicrous. In “Jurassic Park: The Lost World,” a T-rex ate San Diego.

Trivia-busting side note: The Steven Spielberg movies are misnamed. Most people don’t know this, but T-rexes were prominent in the Cretaceous Period, but “Cretaceous Park” doesn’t have the same ring to it. You bet your Jurassic, it doesn’t!


(Mike Buzzelli is a stand up comedian and a sit down author. His book, "Below Average Genius," a collection of humor columns culled from the Observer-Reporter, can be purchased here:
http://www.amazon.com/Below-Average-Genius-Michael-Buzzelli/dp/1605949310/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1427641848&sr=8-1&keywords=below+average+genius)




Friday, June 12, 2015

Handle the Truth Movie Podcast: JURASSIC WORLD with Aaron Kleiber and guest, CHRIS PREKSTA (Pgh Dad, Mercury Men) #JurassicWorld


YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH: MOVIE REVIEW PODCAST
Sean Collier (WDVE Morning Show, Pgh Mag) takes the week off and Aaron is at the podcast helm for the first time!

Aaron and returning guest, director/writer Chris Preksta (Pgh Dad, Mercury Men), head to the theater for JURASSIC WORLD. Will they say bringing this franchise back from extinction was the right move? Plus, Aaron's thoughts on INSIDIOUS: CHAPTER 3 and much more!





Find us and rate the show in iTunes, add us to your playlists on Stitcher — and visit the Facebook page to leave your thoughts! Email us at handlethetruthpodcast@gmail.com! Or, find us on Twitter: @truthpodcast@aaronkleiber and @cpreksta!

Tuesday, June 9, 2015

Fork Full of Noodles with Krish Mohan Ep. 74-How We Take Our Privacy For Granted

New documents reveal that the NSA will be looking into our web traffic to prevent hacking. This will further endanger our privacy. This and our advancing technology. 

Written by: Krish Mohan
Directed by: Krish Mohan
Music by: Max Somerville
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Monday, June 8, 2015

Handle the Truth Movie Podcast: Melissa McCarthy's SPY with Sean Collier, guests MISSY MORENO and CONNOR McCANLUS of Musical Improv Duo "BABY GRAND"



HANDLE THE TRUTH: MOVIE REVIEW PODCAST (Episode 93) with Sean Collier (Pgh Mag, WDVE Morning Show) and Aaron Kleiber (Doug Loves Movies, Nickelodeon)!
THIS WEEK: ‪#‎Spy‬! Sean is joined by funny talented awesome duo Missy Moreno and Connor McCanlus — better known as the musical improv team baby GRAND — to talk about the new ‪#‎MelissaMcCarthy‬ comedy! Plus Trailer Trash is about ‪#‎Tinder‬ for some reason, and then everyone just gives dating advice. LISTEN HERE: http://hwcdn.libsyn.com/…/2beaedc77bf…/YCHTT-93_Epicast.mp3…

Wednesday, June 3, 2015

Blue Light Special STANDUP @ Arcade Comedy Theater: Saturday, June 6 2015

Saturday at 10:00pm See some the best comics in Pittsburgh and special guests from beyond!

Hosted by Shannon Norman
Featuring:

$10/$5 student rush. BYOB, 811 Liberty Avenue, 15222

Before She Gets Home Again

Pittsburgh comedian Ronald Renwick shares his random thoughts, opinions, and sometimes interviews somebodyBefore She Gets Home Again.

This episode Foreigner Karaoke, talks about two old fucks and the importance of cheese quesadillas.


                       

Read, listen to more of Ron and find out his schedule at www.ronaldrenwick.com



Meet The 6 Men Your Mom Has Cheated On Your Dad With

By James J. Hamilton

1. David
Your mom had sex with David in 1999 when she and your dad were going through a rough patch. She was staying at the Marriott near the airport to get some space when this handsome, silver-haired stud offered to buy her a drink at the hotel bar. The rest is history. A Pepsi Bottling Group Sales Representative from Cincinnati, David was in the middle of a messy divorce at the time and the passionate night he shared with your mom was exactly what both of them needed. Since banging your mom, David has been promoted to Regional Sales Manager and has gone on to bang nearly a dozen other moms.

2. Steve
You may think it only happens in porno movies, but one steamy night back in August 2006 while your dad was out of town on business, your mom made the pizza delivery boy into a pizza delivery man. Your mom was sure your dad was cheating on her and thought, "That piece of shit I married is probably fucking a hooker in San Diego right now, so I might as well drink a box of wine and get some sausage delivered right to my door." Steve, who delivered pizza as a summer job during college, is now a software programmer with a wife and two kids. He reported that your mom's unexpected invitation to bang remains the single greatest experience of his life, far surpassing the birth of his children. 

3 & 4. Derek & Chad
In case you were wondering, yes, your mom has been with two guys at the same time and, no, she's not the least bit ashamed of it. You should honestly give your mom props for this one. You know she's still got the goods if, at her age, she can pull a couple of Grade A pieces of man-meat like Derek and Chad. Look, I'm not saying your mom got Eiffel-Towered or anything... Okay, maybe I am. No lie, your mom got legit Eiffel-Towered by these dudes and she still thinks about it at least once a day.

5. Powers Boothe
Your mom had an affair with Emmy-winning actor Powers Boothe from 2008 to 2014. Remember all those weekend casino trips she'd take with her girlfriends? Those were all just cover stories. In actuality, your mom was getting plowed by Cy Tolliver from Deadwood at various bed and breakfasts all over the eastern seaboard. Though they agreed to break it off last year so they could recommit to their respective spouses, both knew deep down that the last time wouldn't really be the last time. There's a strong chance that, if your parents finally end up getting that divorce, Powers Boothe could be your new dad. How cool would that be?

6. James J. Hamilton
Yep. I totally banged your mom, dude. Sorry not sorry. Your mom and I first met when I asked to interview her for an article I was working on (then titled "Meet The 5 Men Your Mom Has Cheated On Your Dad With") and we just kinda hit it off. We had a few drinks, one thing led to another, and all of a sudden I'm straight up porking your mom hardcore in the back of her Dodge Grand Caravan in the parking lot of Applebee's. I'm not going to come right out and say it was the best sex your mom ever had, but if you really want to know, just ask her. Since that first time, we've been meeting up a couple times a week to bone. Deal with it.   

__________________________________
James J. Hamilton (@jamesjhamilton) is a comedian from Pittsburgh whose awesome genius is matched only by his incredible humility. He is also your mom's current lover. Check out more of his writing and stand-up HERE on his blog. 

Tuesday, June 2, 2015

Fork Full of Noodles with Krish Mohan Ep. 72-How The Real Message Of Religion Was Manipulated

The New Deal was using religious ideas for good, but the Rev. Dr. Feifeild Jr. had other plans and helped corporations rise to the top. 

Written by: Krish Mohan
Directed by: Krish Mohan
Music by: Max Somerville

Monday, June 1, 2015

Arcade Comedy Theater promotes Pride Weekend with the Pride at the Arcade


Arcade Comedy Theater promotes Pride Weekend with the Pride at the Arcade, affordable, centrally located, and LGBT-specific comedy programming downtown during Pride Weekend June 12 and 13 in Pittsburgh.

On Friday, June 12 and Saturday June 13, 2015 Arcade Comedy Theater celebrates Pride with a weekend of LGBTQ comedy.

Friday June 12, at 10:00 pm, Pride at the Arcade kicks off with games and prizes! Your hosts, Connor McCanlus (“Boeing Boeing,” “American Falls”) and Mike Buzzelli (author of “Below Average Genius”) are asking all the wrong questions at “Pride at the Arcade: Gayme Show Night.” It’s a gay game show that’s a mash up of “Hollywood Squares,” “Double Dare,” “Password,” “Wait, Wait Don’t Tell Me” and “RuPaul’s Drag Race!” Several audience members will compete with guest stars Anna C. Reilly, Derek Minto and Jethro Nolen for booze and other prizes. Bearded but beautifully bedecked drag impresario Michael Quigley (Qarma Kazee) will portray Manna White and present the prizes to the winners.

Saturday, June 13 begins with a bang at a special 6:00 pm show, “Pride at the Arcade: Golden Girls Live” with a staged reading of two Golden Girls scripts with four out male actors in the roles of Dorothy, Blanche, Rose and Sophia, featuring Connor McCanlus (“Boeing Boeing,” “American Falls), Jason Shavers (“Hollidaysburg”), Billy Mason (“Shrek,”) and Brian Edward (host of “‘Burgh Vivant”) as the iconic seniors of the sitcom set, along with Cameron Knight (“All The Names”) and Ebony Amoroso (“Hundred Foot Journey”) in various roles. Produced and directed by Jared Pascoe; the night includes two classic episodes, “Triangle” and “Sacred Straight” and a singalong of “Thank You for Being a Friend.”

At 8:00 pm on Saturday, June 13, Connor McCanlus returns for The Arcade Hootenanny. The Hootenanny is a classic Chicago-style improv show featuring monologist-inspired scenes. Our storyteller, McCanlus, tells real-life stories inspired by an audience suggestion, and then Pittsburgh's best and brightest improvisers present a fast & funny set based on elements from the story. Regular Hootenanny performers Ben Amiri, Kristy & Jethro Nolen, Liz Labacz, Brian Gray, John Feightner, Brett Bavar and Jesse LE will be joined on stage by the all LGBT improvisational troupe, LGBTQ*Bert featuring Ashley McKinney, Frank Joseph McDade, Michael Buzzelli, James Jamison, Matthew Salinger and Michael Quigley.


At 10 pm on Saturday June 13 it’s Pride at the Arcade: The ArGAYde Comedy Show starring Niko Elizabeth Blackwell, a stand up drag ‘comedienne,’ and Pegusluts, a two man improv team inspired by Pittsburgh’s premier gay bar Pegasus, featuring Connor McCanlus and Alex Tracy, a professional improviser from New York City who performs with Wonderland (the fourth longest running musical improv house team at the Magnet Theatre) and all around NYC, including the PIT, UCB and several festivals around the country. The evening closes with a set by LGBTQ*Bert, the aforementioned all-LGBT improvisational team featuring John Feightner, Connor McCanlus, Michael Buzzelli, and Kayleigh Blanchette, Michael Quigley, Frank Joseph McDade, Matthew Salinger, Ashley McKinney and James Jamison.

The Cultural District arts venue, and the city’s best destination for all things comedy, Arcade Comedy Theater is thrilled to be part of this annual rite of passage for members of the LGBT community. The Arcade, located in the heart of Liberty Avenue, 811 Liberty, welcomes performers of all shapes, sizes, ethnicities and sexual orientations.

WHAT: Pride at the Arcade

WHO: Arcade Comedy Theater

WHERE: Arcade Comedy Theater, 811 Liberty Avenue (Downtown Pittsburgh)

WHEN: Friday, June 12 & Saturday, June 13, 2014 (see full schedule for details).

TO PURCHASE: All shows cost $10, student rush $5, tickets available in advance at www.arcadecomedytheater.com

To keep up to date on this event weekend: please visit www.arcadecomedytheater.com, email knolen@arcadecomedytheater.com, or call 412-420-9604











Handle the Truth Movie Podcast: BIGFOOT THE MOVIE & SAN ANDREAS with Sean Collier, Aaron Kleiber and guests Curt Wootton (Pgh Dad) and Jared Show (Bigfoot Director)


HANDLE THE TRUTH: MOVIE REVIEW PODCAST (Episode 92) with Sean Collier (Pgh Mag, WDVE Morning Show) and Aaron Kleiber (Doug Loves Movies, Nickelodeon)!


THIS WEEK: ‪#‎SanAndreas‬ & ‪#‎BigfoottheMovie‬! With so much local talent (and so many friends of the show) involved in the horror comedy Bigfoot: The Movie , we couldn't resist the urge to dedicate some time to it this week. Sean Collier and Aaron Kleiber review the film and talk with director Jared Show and star Curt Wootton (Pittsburgh Dad) live at the premiere party — plus, Sean reviews The Rock in SAN ANDREAS! LISTEN HERE:http://handlethetruthpodcast.libsyn.com/



Find us and rate the show in iTunes, add us to your playlists on Stitcher — and visit the Facebook page to leave your thoughts! Email us at handlethetruthpodcast@gmail.com! Or, find us on Twitter: @seancollierpgh and @aaronkleiber! And remember to check the official website of Bigfoot: The Movie — and buy the film now!
More episodes and podcasts at www.Epicast.tv