Wednesday, April 29, 2015

BLUE LIGHT SPECIAL Standup @ Arcade Comedy Theater: Saturday, May 2nd 2015

BLUE LIGHT SPECIAL @ Arcade Comedy Theater
Saturday, May 2nd 2015

Featuring some Pittsburgh's dirtiest comics and touring comedians from around the country, hosted by Shannon Norman.
Daniel Crow 

$10/$5 students. BYOB 

Sunday, April 26, 2015

A Look at the Bright Side

Author and comedian Mike Buzzelli 

I want to lodge a formal complaint. As you may recall, last week I was still recovering from “My Adventures in Outpatient Surgery.” I was stuck inside on the best weekend of 2015. OK, that might be a slight exaggeration, but you have to admit, the weather was pretty darn nice last weekend.

Meanwhile, I was indoors, trying to keep my blood on the inside of my body where it belongs. I was on a weight restriction: I was ordered not to lift over 10 pounds with my right hand. I also had a pad to keep my arm straight and a half a roll of gauze around my wrist. I looked like a World War I combat vet.

I did manage to type out a column, one finger at a time. I wasn't going to let them run an ad in this space. It’s not like I could just leave a lawn chair here. If I don’t show up, someone else gets the spot. I am as territorial as your average South Sider during Snowmageddon.

But I digress, like I do. Apparently, I missed a glorious, sunny weekend. Now, I’m feeling spry and youthful (mostly), and it’s yucky out again. Wednesday, a coworker reported that he saw a snowflake. I wanted to punch him with my good arm. A snowflake? Seriously? In April? I’m indignant.

Being inside last weekend brought up a childhood memory: Suddenly, I am 11 years old again, and I’m stuck inside during the summer because I have the chickenpox. I remember standing at the screen door watching all the other neighborhood kids play. Sad face.

No, I didn't do that last weekend, because now it would be creepy. Also, we didn't have Netflix when I was growing up. I spent my recovery weekend learning that Kimmy Schmidt is unbreakable and Matt Murdock is not. I binge-watched both shows. That superhero dude bled a lot more than I did, but he got up and kept fighting. I need some superpowers, stat!

For the rest of the column, please click here:

(Mike Buzzelli is a stand up comedian and a sit down author. His book, "Below Average Genius," a collection of humor columns culled from the Observer-Reporter, can be purchased here:

Sunday, April 19, 2015

Fantastic Voyage ain't cheap!

Author and comedian Mike Buzzelli 

I went to the hospital this week. I was having an outpatient procedure. My doctor wanted to take a small camera on a “Fantastic Voyage” through my body. It had to travel from a vein in my right wrist all the way to my heart. I’m impressed because I couldn’t even get a coat hanger through the crack in the window down to my door lock to open the car door that time I locked my keys in the Honda.

On Tuesday morning, I showed up at the hospital. The first thing I learned is that I have a $2,000 deductible. Yikes, sweetie, yikes! I immediately thought about that Jack Benny bit: A robber pulls a gun on him and says, “Your money or your life!” Benny calmly replies, “I’m thinking it over.”

I begrudgingly wrote the check. As luck would have it, I happened to have $2,000 in my checking account. Color me grateful. It was payday, and I have direct deposit. A fortuitous turn of events … especially for them.

Then, they took my blood pressure. The nurse said, “Your blood pressure is up.” I said, “That’s because I just wrote a check for two thousand dollars!” She didn't laugh. I can handle paying a bill, but I can’t handle someone staring blankly when I crack a joke. I’m now grateful I don’t have to watch you people read this column.

Honestly, they should have asked me for the money after the procedure. Of course my blood pressure is going to spike. It probably spikes when I buy a ticket to the movies.

Apparently, they called me the day before to tell me about the money, but I didn't answer the phone because I didn't recognize the number. I don’t answer randoms.

To prep me for surgery, two different nurses shaved my chest, wrist and legs in a few spots, including my groin. Not that many people see my groin at the same time. It should have been more fun.

For the rest of this column, please click;

(Mike Buzzelli is a stand up comedian and a sit down author. His book, "Below Average Genius," a collection of humor columns culled from the Observer-Reporter, can be purchased here:

Sunday, April 12, 2015

Hi Diddle Dee, It's a Mascot's Life for Me!

Comedian and author Mike Buzzelli 

Baseball season has begun. I wish I was a better player. I’m not “Bad News Bears” bad, but I’m not good. I can play. When a baseball is hurtling at my face, I make an effort to catch it. I don’t cross my arms over my face and scream. Not anymore.

Baseball reminds me of summer, my favorite season. If you’re anything like me, you hear the word baseball and you start singing, “Take me out to the ball game” in your head.

While I’ve sung that song for hours on end, it bugs me. Mostly because of this one line: “Buy me some peanuts and Crackerjack, and I don’t care if I ever come back.” First, buy your own peanuts and crackerjack.

Second, peanuts are in Crackerjack. Why would you buy both?

Third, you have to come back.

You can’t live on soft pretzels and stale beer. I know. I've tried.

I’m trying to find ways I could hang around the field this summer. I think I’m too old to be a ball boy. The job title has the word boy in it. It’s been a while since I've been a boy. Also, I’d be all, “Get your own damn ball.”

I wonder if the Pirates or the Wild Things are looking for a new mascot.

I might not be good at sports, but running around acting like a goofball is totally in my wheelhouse.

A few years ago, my family went to a Wild Things game and my niece Chloe was terrified of the Wild Thing. Seeing a giant stuffed animal running around in public frightened her.

I felt bad because later that year, my brother took the wife and kids to Disney. I kept thinking Chloe must have had a conniption fit every five minutes in the park. Giant mouse! Giant duck! Giant … whatever-Goofy-is!

For the rest of the article, please go to

(Mike Buzzelli is a stand up comedian and a sit down author. His book, "Below Average Genius," a collection of humor columns culled from the Observer-Reporter, can be purchased here:

Sunday, April 5, 2015

Communication Breakdown

Author and comedian Mike Buzzelli 

A short time ago, I was sitting in Panera with my friend Sandy when I thought I saw a guy who looked just like former congressman Barney Frank. It seemed unlikely a politician from Massachusetts flew in for a half of a Panini and a Greek salad, but the guy had the same arched eyebrows and low-hanging jowls. Sandy couldn’t picture Mr. Frank. I whipped out my phone to show her a photo of said congressman. No photograph came. My phone screen went dark.

Picture me, in slow motion, saying, “Nooooooo!”

Later that same day, I went to the company that sold me the phone. I can’t say their name, but they have plenty of outlets. You can see them over every horizon. I didn’t have the warranty (always get the warranty). I was on a plan that didn’t let me have a new phone until August. August!

I went off to the store that made the phone to grapple with them. I can’t say their name either, but here’s a riddle: Mr. Braeburn went to Fuji for an opening night of “Pippin,” and at the gala he ran into his Granny Smith.

I talked to a bright young man who was also unable to help me.

I went a week without a cellphone. It was a very long seven days. It was like a dog year.

I don’t know when I entered a co-dependent relationship with my cellphone. I was afraid to go anywhere. What if I got a flat tire? What if I went to meet people and they weren’t there? How did I function before I had this phone?

My boss offered me her dead brother’s phone. She had it because they wanted to charge her to send it back to them.

Later that same night, sister-in-law Brenda offered me a spare iPhone she had. Suddenly, I had two phones! I opted for the iPhone. Frankly, I got a little weird about using the phone of a deceased person. It wasn't like I was worried he was going to call from beyond the grave. I just got a little creeped out. Just to avoid the same problem, I decided I’m going to be buried with mine. You never know, I might have to make a call on the other side.

(Mike Buzzelli is a stand up comedian and a sit down author. His book, "Below Average Genius," a collection of humor columns culled from the Observer-Reporter, can be purchased here: