Sunday, March 29, 2015

One Fish, Two Fish, Earth Fish, Moon Fish

Author and comedian Mike Buzzelli 

Scientists now believe there is water on the moons of Jupiter and Saturn. Ganymede, Europa and Enceladus might have oceans under their icy surfaces. If the water is warm, it could contain aquatic life. It is fun to speculate there might be fish, whales or other kinds of creatures elsewhere in the solar system.

Granted, you’d need an awfully big ice pick to even get at that water; it’s miles under an icy crust, but that’s some seriously committed ice fisherman’s job to worry about.

I got to thinking, like I do, if there were fish on another planet or moon, would you eat that fish?

It would be a while before we’d get to go to an interplanetary fish fry, but it’s worth considering. Even if they find water and it’s drinkable, I don’t think I’d want to be the guy who has the first sip. I fell for that trick in Mexico.

I don’t think I’d eat alien fish, even if it was Good Friday.

They might be really ugly. Of course, that never stopped humans from eating anything before. Look to the lobster. I often wonder about the first man or woman who saw a lobster crawling along a beach and said, “That looks delicious. Let’s eat that.” Think about it. They ate lobsters before we knew how to harvest lemons or make butter.

Those alien fish could possibly be smarter than us. Or they could consider us dinner. The Syfy channel hasn't made a movie called “Space Sharks” yet?

It’s intriguing to think there might be other life forms right here in our solar system. I’d like to imagine we have more than fish up there. Let’s not rule out the possibility of a race of mer-people. Mer-people would be cool. If we found other humanoids in the galaxy, we probably wouldn’t get along with them, either. I don’t get along with my neighbors down here. Why would I think I’d be able to get along with my off-planet neighbors?

They could be really smart. They might think we’re idiots. They might be able to see Ted Cruz from up there.

(Mike Buzzelli is a stand up comedian and a sit down author. His book, "Below Average Genius," a collection of humor columns culled from the Observer-Reporter, can be purchased here:

Sunday, March 22, 2015

Remembrance of St. Patrick's Day Past

Comedian and author Mike Buzzelli 

I am convinced St. Patrick is the patron saint of bad decisions. I think the dude would be aghast at Pittsburgh’s South Side on his special day.

A few years ago, St. Patrick’s Day fell on a Saturday. It also happened to be more than 70 degrees that year. Also, niece Brittany turned 21, and she and her friends wanted to go to a house party on 16th Street in the historic South Side. It was a confluence of bad decisions. I decided play chauffeur for the momentous occasion, because I didn’t want Brittany or any of her friends to drive under the influence.

There is no award for World’s Greatest Uncle, but if there was, I would be somewhere on the list (the actual award would probably go to the guy who talked his niece or nephew out of such shenanigans).

It was mid-afternoon, and Brit and I were in the car somewhere between Station Square and her destination. The parade had let out, and since it was a nice day, an endless stream of emerald revelers shambled to the mythical land of limitless alcohol.

Side note: In a recent article in Time magazine, I read that Pittsburgh’s South Side has the largest number of bars per capita than anywhere else in the nation. Yay us!

P.S. Sarcasm.

Most people hoofing down Carson wore jeans and a green T-shirt. Some went a little farther out. Occasionally, you would see someone in a green tutu or face paint or going full-on Leprechaun. It took an hour to drive one mile on Carson, from Station Square to 16th Street.

For the rest of this story, go to

(Mike Buzzelli is a stand up comedian and a sit down author. His book, "Below Average Genius," a collection of humor columns culled from the Observer-Reporter, can be purchased here:

Monday, March 16, 2015

The Pothole that Ate Pittsburgh

Author and comedian Mike Buzzelli 

It came without warning. On a dark night in the city, I got in my car and made a fateful trip home when I encountered the “Pothole that Ate Pittsburgh!” Dunt dunt da!

Actually, I hit a pothole. It’s unfair to call it a pothole. It was the size of a lunar crater. The streets of Pittsburgh look like the surface of the moon. This particular beast was on Banksville Road somewhere between the Eat’n Park and the Arby’s.

Side note: I just recently learned that Arby’s is not the name of the company founder, but an answer to a bizarre riddle. Roast beef abbreviated is R.B. Arr Bee. Arby. Am I the only person who didn’t know that? I’m pretty sure I was the last on the list.

Don’t get me started on Eat’n Park. I always thought, “You’d better park BEFORE you eat, or you’re going to run over all of the waitresses.”

But I digress, like I do. I thought nothing of that treacherous hole until I pulled into the driveway and the tire pressure warning light came on. It was late on a Saturday night, and I thought I’d just deal with it in the morning when my mind was fresh. On Sunday, I woke up and completely forgot all about it. My brain was not so refreshed. Clean and devoid of thought maybe, but not fresh.

I was on my way to a matinee at City Theatre. I like going to the Sunday matinee because I am the youngest person in the audience. As I drove down Carson Street, I remembered that my air pressure warning light came on. OK, so it was less that I remembered it and more like it was staring in my face, but you get the idea.

(Mike Buzzelli is a stand up comedian and a sit down author. His book, "Below Average Genius," a collection of humor columns culled from the Observer-Reporter, can be purchased here:

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

Cooperstown Comedy Night: Chuck Krieger, Mike Wysocki, Gene Collier: Saturday, March 14, 2015

Schitz & Gigglz Comedy Productions presents
Cooperstown Comedy Night
Featuring headliner Chuck Krieger along with WDVE's Mike Wysocki, Gene Collier & Brad Ryan
Saturday March 14
7:30 Showtime
Broughton Fire Dept.
25$ includes Beer, food, mixers.
Chinese auction and 50/50 raffle
for tickets, call:  412-310-8243
Broughton Fire Hall
1030 Cochrans Mill Rd
South Park Pa.  15236

Saturday, March 7, 2015

Wisdom of the Ages

Author and comedian Mike Buzzelli 

They say, “With age, comes wisdom,” but I was wondering, “How old do I have to get?”

I burned my lip on soup last night. I thought I would stop burning my mouth on hot food by the age of 7, or, at the very least, 13. I’m a good deal past 13, and I am still putting boiling liquid on my face. I have a bright red blister on my bottom lip.

Note to self: If the pot is still bubbling, don’t try to consume the contents. It was definitely one of those, “When will I ever learn?” moments. Apparently, the answer resides in the far, far future. I’ll have to blow out more candles on my birthday cake than Methuselah before I get it right.

The other day, I jumped off the bus into a puddle of slush on my way to work. I had a big brownish/blackish stain on the bottom of my pants. I fussed about it all day. I would pull my leg out from behind my desk and show it to people. No one would have even seen my leg if I kept it behind the desk where it belonged, but I had to show off my ridiculousness.

You can’t miss the lip. Even if I wanted to hide it, it would be nearly impossible without the help of Hollywood’s best makeup artists. Get me Max Factor on the line, stat!

In defense of my burned lip: I was in a hurry. I am always in a hurry. I thought I could eat the soup at 6 p.m. and be somewhere else by 6:30. For the record, I have not yet conquered the time/space continuum, but I keep trying. Other points in my defense of this case: It was homemade soup, and it was delicious. I just shouldn’t have been willing to die for it. You guys didn’t hear the blood-curdling scream from your house?

(Mike Buzzelli is a stand up comedian and a sit down author. His book, "Below Average Genius," a collection of humor columns culled from the Observer-Reporter, can be purchased here:

Sunday, March 1, 2015

Operation: Spring

Author and comedian Mike Buzzelli 

March is nearly upon us, and I have decided to “Think Spring.” I have given up watching the local weather for Lent. I don’t want to say they’re all doomsayers, but Channel 11 even calls their weather segment “The Severe Weather Team.”

I had this argument with my friend Chris. I said, “Severe? It can’t be severe every day!”

He responded with, “Except it sort of has been.”

Touché, Chris, touché.

I accidentally heard about a weather-related calamity on the radio the other day. Radio dude said that we’ve been breaking records with our low temperatures this February. What an unfortunate record to break. Let’s call this winter our personal best, please! I don’t want Old Man Winter challenging himself to go for it again next year. I still say, while it’s been colder than ever, we had a number of days when the sun has been shining. I like to watch the sun out the window and pretend that it’s nice outside.

Now, the pessimists – i.e. weather-people – are saying that if the weather heats up too fast, new dangers will arise. They’re worrying about flooding. You cannot make weathermen happy! I can’t imagine Dennis Bowman or Stephen Cropper at a party. It would be like partying with Eeyore, Droopy Dog or Ben Stein.

You know they would be like all, “Don’t put too many candles on the cake or you’ll burn the house down,” or “Do you know how many calories there are in that spinach dip?”

Sorry, boys, your invitation got lost in the mail.

(Mike Buzzelli is a stand up comedian and a sit down author. His book, "Below Average Genius," a collection of humor columns culled from the Observer-Reporter, can be purchased here: