Sunday, August 31, 2014

No Tell Hotel

Author and Comedian Mike Buzzelli 

I went away last weekend to Maryland. It was just an overnight visit, but I still managed to get into some column-worthy shenanigans.

I think of myself as a thoroughly modern man. I have a laptop, an iPhone and a car from this century. I can’t seem to figure out hotel key cards. What happened to keys? Why were keys so horrible that we have these infernal cards?

After I was out wandering around, I went back to my room. I swiped the key in the slot and the light never went from red to green. I tried eight times. I had to go to the front desk and get a new card. They claimed I kept the card too close to the magnetic strips in my wallet. They don’t tell you not to put the key card in your wallet. They don’t say, “Keep the card away from your cellphone, your credit cards, your other keys or anything on your body. Hold it out in front of your body as far as you can, like you’re taking a selfie.”

Inside the room, I can’t find the lights. There’s a little lamp by the bed that gives off about five watts. The other one, directly over my head, must have been used for interrogations. It was very, very bright. It was the kind of light aliens shine on you before they beam you into the mother ship. When I lay my head on the seven thousand pillows, the light shone right in my eyes.

I couldn’t figure out the shower. Hotel showers are a mystery to me. One time, in Seville, Spain, I got drunk on cava while swimming in the hotel pool. I went back to my room and couldn’t find the light switch in the bathroom. I called the front desk and realized that I didn’t speak Spanish. I took a shower in the dark, laughing. In Maryland last weekend, I nearly scalded flesh from my body because the off-switch was the same direction as lava hot.

Mike Buzzelli is a columnist, comedian and author. His book, "Below Average Genius," a collection of his humor columns, is available here:

Monday, August 25, 2014

Ice, Ice Baby!

 Author and Comedian Mike Buzzelli

It’s been a crazy week. I mean really crazy. Perfectly sane friends are dumping buckets of ice water on their heads. My family members are doing it. My friends are doing it. My favorite celebrities are doing it. Men, women and children are wetting themselves for charity.

I need to point out an irrefutable fact: Buckets of ice are best used to chill champagne. Maybe after you drink all the champagne, you can drown your sorrows by nearly drowning in partially frozen water.

I watched a lot of people challenge their friends. At first, I was grateful my name never came up. Then, the enormous ego played peek-a-boo. I was starting to get angry that my name wasn’t on anyone’s lips. It’s like being angry that the guy carrying the collection plate doesn’t make it to the back row of the church. I should have been relieved.

Finally, my niece, Brittany, challenged me to support ALS, just as her boyfriend threw ice water on her (hey, she asked him to do it). I had been skating by, on thin ice, literally and figuratively. Thanks, Brit.

I cheated. I wrote a check instead of dousing myself. It seemed like a more rational way to go. Giving away a stack of hard-earned money to a good cause never gave anyone pneumonia. I should be proud I donated money. Somehow I felt a little cowardly. Though, not enough to participate in soaking myself with water best suited for polar bears.

Last summer, between the end of July and the beginning of August, ALS raised $1.4 million. This year, during the same time period, they’ve raised $4 million. People are still donating. It might be a crazy thing, but it’s good crazy.
For the rest of this column, go to
Mike Buzzelli is an author and stand up comedian. His book, "Below Average Genius," a collection of humor essays culled from his weekly column at the Observer Reporter, can be purchased here:

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Fork Full of Noodles with Krish Mohan Ep. 50-The Legend of Scubs Brady

Questions are answered as the most epic tale is revealed in the Legend of Scubs Brady! BONUS: Krish and the Legacy of Scubs Brady BONUS: Miranda Lafluer and the Love of Scubs Brady BONUS: Brenda McClaren and the Downfall of Scubs Brady BONUS: Scubs Brady's Security BONUS: Sheldon Smoot and the Content of Scubs Brady Written by: Krish Mohan Starring: Krish Mohan, Mary Stewart, Michael Buzelli, Kat Caringola (Follow @Pink_Kattillac) and Derek Minto (Follow @BringstheRuckus) Directed by: Krish Mohan Music by: Max Somerville Cinematography by: Alex Murphy (Follow @AlexCMurphy)

Monday, August 18, 2014

WED NIGHT LIVE: Standup Showcase at the Pittsburgh Improv: August 20, 2014


Showcasing the BEST upcoming comics of this year!

Hosted by Aaron Kleiber
(2012 & 2013 "Best Comic" Pittsburgh Magazine, Gotham Comedy Live & Nickelodeon)

John Winters
Molly Sharrow
Alex Stypula
Norlex Belma
Erick Williams
Allan Lee 
Holly Price
Mike Sasson 
Andy Picarro

*2 item minimum per person*

Sunday, August 17, 2014

There go the holidays...

Comedian and Author Mike Buzzelli 

Last week, I walked into a drugstore and found Halloween candy on saleI wanted to run to the cashier and, in my best Doc Brown impression, ask, “What’s today’s date?”

Clearly, I inadvertently stepped out of a DeLorean, a beat up blue police box or a hot tub time machine, because Oct. 31 is more than two months away.

No, it was August and the Halloween candy was on sale. Great Scott, Marty!

I’m going to pass on a little advice from the health experts and personal trainers like Jillian Michaels, Bob Harper and such: The Mini-Snickers you buy today will not be the ones you will be handing out at your door on All Hallow’s Eve.

You will eat the whole bag before then. You’ll justify it by saying, “They’re really little candy bars, or I’ll just break off a bit of that Kit Kat bar.”

Pretty soon, you’ll be staring at empty wrappers.

Then, you’ll be Snickerless, Twixless or sans Reese’s. You will run out and buy more Halloween candy. You’ll probably eat that, too. Then, in late October, right around the time you’re actually supposed to buy it, you’ll have to get more.

On the second, possibly third or fourth, trip to Rite Aid, you’ll finally buy candy you don’t like, so you’re no longer tempted to eat the entire bag. I find Mallow Cups work nicely. Do they still make those?

Mike Buzzelli is an author and stand up comedian. His book, "Below Average Genius," a collection of humor columns from the Observer-Reporter, can be purchased here:

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

SUMMER MUMBLE: Wrestling Comedy Show at Arcade Comedy Theater: Friday, August 15, 2014ar

Comedy in the Squared-Circle
Improv and stand-up comedy collide in the squared circle, as local performers pay tribute to the world of professional wrestling (just in time for SummerSlam!)

Hosted by Matt Light, and featuring local comedians, improvisers, and performers, the show is a blend of sketch comedy, improv, and stand-up where anything can happen.

A must-see for wrestling fans!

$10/$5 students | BYOB

Arcade Comedy Theater
811 Liberty Ave.

PittsburghPA 15222

Tuesday, August 12, 2014


Pittsburgh Actor/Comedian, Aaron Kleiber, on DOUG LOVES MOVIES again!
OR download it on iTunes!

Pop-Up-Video-Improv: THE 80's - at Arcade Comedy Theater, Friday, August 15, 2014

Comedian and pop-music connoisseur

Aaron Kleiber teams up with special guests to riff on some of the worst music videos they can find from the 80's!
Along with their favorite picks - the audience will get to pick their FAVORITE 80's music videos for the comedians to riff on!

$10/$5 student rush | BYOB 

Arcade Comedy Theater
811 Liberty Ave.

PittsburghPA 15222

Fork Full of Noodles Ep. 49-Man Up & Be A Man

Krish takes on the definition of what a man is, and how it has changed. Written by: Krish Mohan ( and Isaac Kozell ( Starring: Krish Mohan Directed by: Krish Mohan Music by: Max Somerville Cinematography by: Alex Murphy (Follow at @AlexCMurphy)

Monday, August 11, 2014

Look out, here comes Dr. Frankenfruit!

Author and Comedian Mike Buzzelli 
The other day, I bit into my first pluot. It is a hybrid fruit, both plum and apricot. Apparently, there are a few species of this strange new fruit (new to me). There are apriums and plumcots. Natural plumcot/apriplums have existed for hundreds of years, but I never heard of them. It was the first time I ever tasted one. It was delicious, by the way.

There are several varieties of pluot: Dapple Dandy, Flavor Grenade and Geo Pride. Dapple Dandy sounds like a gay superhero. Flavor Grenade sounds like his weapon of choice. And Geo Pride sounds like an LGBT superhero group of which Dapple Dandy would be a member.

There are other varieties of pluot that include the Razmataz, Mango Tango and Dinosaur Egg. No, I’m not making any of this up.

I had to wonder, like I do, who the heck is doing this to fruit?! What mad scientist is down in his basement laboratory concocting strange combinations of produce? Who is saying to themselves, “You know, I like apricots and I like plums, but I hate having to eat one of each. I want to be able to have my plum and my apricot at the same time.” I am imagining a scientist who is both lazy and extremely ambitious. Who else would invent such dichotomous harvests?

There are grapples (grape apples), limequats (a lime and a kumquat) and lematoes (lemon tomatoes). Though, I am little bit afraid of the lemato. Who needs a tomato and lemon at the same time? Then, I discovered … wait for it … a nectacotum, which is a hybrid variety of the apricot, plum and nectarine. Dr. Frankenfruit, this time you have gone too far.

I had to read the history of the half-breed fruit. Yes. Cher should sing about it. I’m sure the lemato is very conflicted about not being able to be in a salad or in a glass of iced tea (yuck!).

Mike Buzzelli is a stand up comedian and sit down writer. His book, "Below Average Genius," a collection of humor essays compiled from his weekly column at the Observer-Reporter, is avialable on Amazon here: 

Monday, August 4, 2014

Fork Full of Noodles with Krish Mohan Ep. 48-The Hits Keep on Coming

Concussions are taking over the world of and the issue of safety is being ignored.
Written by: Krish Mohan Starring: Krish Mohan, Day Bracey & Derek Minto (Follow @BringstheRuckus)
Directed by: Krish Mohan
Music by: Max Somerville
Cinematography by: Mary Stewart

Sunday, August 3, 2014

Gremlin in a Bottle

Author and Comedian Mike Buzzelli 

Earlier this month, it was National Tequila Day. I celebrated with friends and frozen watermelon margaritas at a Mexican restaurant. Basically, it was a smoothie with alcohol, and it was delicious. I had two of them, in fairly rapid succession. I’m not much of a drinker, and tequila is my Kryptonite.

I was besotted, blasted, blitzed, bombed and blotto (there are a lot of euphemisms for intoxication).

I was also extremely happy. I was already happy, but after poisoning my body with alcohol, I was euphoric. Once freed of my inhibitations, only happiness remained. I see why it’s so popular.

The only problem with the self-diagnosed freedom from those aforementioned inhabitations; I was kind of a maniac. My thoughts were very random. I sounded like Larry King in USA Today. I’m surprised I didn’t say things like, “In my humble opinion, that Tommy Lasorda was the greatest baseball manager ever.”

I did say, “I got a charley horse the other night, and it still hurts.” That sentence was followed by, “I need to eat more apricots.” They were slightly related, as dried apricots are high in calcium and are widely known as a natural remedy for muscle spasms. Of course, I didn’t explain my derailed train of thought to my friends. They just looked at me like I was a lunatic, which, unfortunately, I recognized immediately because I often get that face from them.

Mike Buzzelli is an author and comedian. His book, "Below Average Genius," a collection of his essays culled from his weekly humor column at the Observer-Reporter, is available here: