Monday, August 11, 2014

Look out, here comes Dr. Frankenfruit!

Author and Comedian Mike Buzzelli 
The other day, I bit into my first pluot. It is a hybrid fruit, both plum and apricot. Apparently, there are a few species of this strange new fruit (new to me). There are apriums and plumcots. Natural plumcot/apriplums have existed for hundreds of years, but I never heard of them. It was the first time I ever tasted one. It was delicious, by the way.

There are several varieties of pluot: Dapple Dandy, Flavor Grenade and Geo Pride. Dapple Dandy sounds like a gay superhero. Flavor Grenade sounds like his weapon of choice. And Geo Pride sounds like an LGBT superhero group of which Dapple Dandy would be a member.

There are other varieties of pluot that include the Razmataz, Mango Tango and Dinosaur Egg. No, I’m not making any of this up.

I had to wonder, like I do, who the heck is doing this to fruit?! What mad scientist is down in his basement laboratory concocting strange combinations of produce? Who is saying to themselves, “You know, I like apricots and I like plums, but I hate having to eat one of each. I want to be able to have my plum and my apricot at the same time.” I am imagining a scientist who is both lazy and extremely ambitious. Who else would invent such dichotomous harvests?

There are grapples (grape apples), limequats (a lime and a kumquat) and lematoes (lemon tomatoes). Though, I am little bit afraid of the lemato. Who needs a tomato and lemon at the same time? Then, I discovered … wait for it … a nectacotum, which is a hybrid variety of the apricot, plum and nectarine. Dr. Frankenfruit, this time you have gone too far.

I had to read the history of the half-breed fruit. Yes. Cher should sing about it. I’m sure the lemato is very conflicted about not being able to be in a salad or in a glass of iced tea (yuck!).

Mike Buzzelli is a stand up comedian and sit down writer. His book, "Below Average Genius," a collection of humor essays compiled from his weekly column at the Observer-Reporter, is avialable on Amazon here: 

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