Sunday, June 15, 2014

Comedian and Author Mike Buzzelli 

Holy Thor, you guys. I was almost struck by lightning this week. Wednesday, I was walking out of a grocery store and into a monsoon.

We won’t name the store, but here’s a hint: It’s the one Little Orphan Annie bet on. A thunderous crack of lightning struck the parking lot. It felt like the bolt was all around me. It struck in front of me. I thought I was hit. Ironically, I thought there would be no tomorrow (now, I’m just giving away the name of the store).

I’ve never been afraid of weather before. I knew it could kill me.

All winter I thought I would freeze in my tracks, walking from the bus stop to the office. I half expected to be a Micicle in February.

Also, you hear about guys dropping dead shoveling the driveway, but technically that’s a heart attack, and any good insurance man would say it wasn’t the weather that killed them.

Side note: Oddly enough, this was not my first near miss with lightning. When I was 13, my then-uncle Mark picked me up from summer theater camp (Hence, the reason I know songs from “Annie!”), and a bolt of lightning struck in front of his car. He tried to swerve out of the way, but we drove right into it. I was 13, and that was a long, long, long time ago, but I remember the car sizzled. I think the rubber on the tires protected us. Only my then-uncle Mark could verify the details. As he was an uncle by marriage, he is a un-uncle by divorce, and could not be reached for comment.

Wednesday, I darted to the car. Another bolt struck. It was farther away, but at this point, I was terrified. I got inside the car, safe and sound. Then, I noticed that the parking lot was deserted.

The smart people stayed in the grocery store and waited for the rain to let up a little. I made a pact with God. I asked Him, “Could I not die in a weather-related incident? That would be stupid.” I don’t know if He agreed. God, also, could not be reached for comment.

For the rest of this story, click here:

Mike Buzzelli is the author of "Below Average Genius," a collection of essays culled from his columns in the Observer-Reporter. To buy a copy of "Below Average Genius," click here: 

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