Tuesday, April 29, 2014

One Day Sale on a One Day Shirt BY MIKE BUZZELLI

Author & Comedian Mike Buzzelli
It was a brand new, white, button-down shirt. Frankly, it didn’t stand a chance.
To be fair, it attacked me first. I was on my way to work when I felt a sharp, stabbing pain in my waist. I inadvertently left one of the needles in the shirt.

Sidebar: Why do they use so many needles? In the future, I’m only buying shirts on the rack and not the ones folded into a square, shrink-wrapped and pockmarked with more pins than a Haitian voodoo doll.
I grabbed a bagel from the Bruegger’s a block from work. I narrowly avoided a blob of cream cheese that almost spattered Whitey (yes, I decided to name the shirt).

Once I got to work, an administrative assistant asked me to move the coffeepot from the break room to the conference room for a 9 o’clock meeting. She admitted it was too heavy for her, and I got to play big, strong He-Man for a few moments. It’s bigger than your average home coffeepot.

I picked up the machine and walked to the unopened conference room door. I had to press the thing to my body with one hand and open the door with the other.
The pot had wet coffee grounds in it from the day before. Tiny, black granules spilled out and clung to Whitey. I managed to scrape most of them off. I smelled like stale coffee the rest of the day.

Mike Buzzelli is a comedian and  humor writer for the Observer-Reporter. His book "Below Average Genius," was number 1 Humor Book on Amazon for two weeks in a row, before being beaten by a Fart Joke Book (his next book promises to have more gas to it).

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