By James J. Hamilton (Pittsburgh Comedy Intramural Sports Beat Writer for the “Paul Itser” Prize-winning James J. Hamilton’s Blog)
WHO: Pittsburgh comedians
WHAT: Super Fool II
WHEN: Noon, Sunday, November 11, 2012
WHERE: Campbell Field, Homestead, Pennsylvania
WHY: Massive, fragile egos
Pittsburgh’s comedians clashed on the football field one year ago and now they’re back for more. While concussions, broken bones, and a pervasive lack of health insurance have dictated that it be flag football instead of tackle this time, there has been no loss in intensity. Four teams have been drafted and the desperate, megalomaniacal attention-whores that make up Pittsburgh’s comedy community are raising the stakes with their racially and sexually-charged trash talking in advance of what is sure to be a dazzling display of non-athleticism. The Steelers don’t play until Monday night, so come on down to Campbell Field in Homestead at noon on Sunday to watch as 25-30 mediocre-at-best comedians compete to be glorious gods of the gigglers’ gridiron.
Here is a preview of the action:
|Team captains Dan Jenniches, Matt Light, Ray Zawodni, |
and John Pridmore hard at work evaluating players before the draft
Captain: Dan Jenniches
Draft: (1) Ed Bailey; (2) Day Bracey; (3) Arden Nicoletta; (4) Drew Rodgers; (5) Derek Minto; (6) Amber Schiefer; (7) Erick Williams; (8) John Evans
Reigning MVP and Percocet team captain Dan Jenniches controversially took black players with his first two picks and plans to spread the ball around on Sunday. He believes his team is fast and athletic, although he expressed concern about having multiple cigarette and pot smokers on his team: “I’m not sure how weed affects endurance, but I can’t imagine it’s positive.”
Jenniches said his secret weapon could be an alleged former Shaler High School quarterback, the relatively unknown Drew “Aaron Rodgers” Rodgers, who was overheard telling an opposing player “I hope you like watching my backside as I run past you.” The other teams could be seeing a lot of the “Dick Scout Double Czech” touchdown dance.
Jenniches declined to give an official comment on whether his team would put any bounties on opposing players, but emphatically stated “I’m gonna turn Matt Light into my Brad Ryan,” referencing the career-ending bone fracture suffered by Ryan in last year’s game.
Prognosticator Tim “Rosstradamus” Ross predicts: “This team will win if it can overcome the 45 delay of game penalties from Erick Williams trying to tell stories in the huddle.”
When asked about his team’s chances of winning it all on Sunday, Jenniches said: “Bring cake. It’s gonna be Joe Pesci’s birthday.”
ZAWODNI & SONS
Captain: Ray Zawodni
Draft: (1) Isaac Kozell; (2) Mark Mammone; (3) Ed Kniznik; (4) Elliott Burns; (5) Vincent Didiano; (6) Dave Laughlin; (7) J. Russ; (8) Amy Capiross
Zawodni & Sons captain Ray Zawodni is confident he will field the best team on Sunday: “I don’t want to ruin the ending for you guys, but my teams wins.” He said Percocet’s team looks strong, but that Dan Jenniches’s strategy of drafting black guys early may backfire because last year only one out of four black players showed up for the game: “Dan Jenniches is gonna be fucked when I call in a bomb threat to the Port Authority because none of his players will be able to get there.”
Zawodni said he opted to go after Jews instead, because even though they have a reputation for being “terrible football players” who “complain a lot,” they are “more reliable.” Jew Ed Kniznik confirmed this impression, citing his lifelong history of receiving awards for participation and attendance.
Zawodni believes that Kniznik, despite his Jewishness, could be a secret weapon because he vaguely remembers seeing a picture of him on Facebook wearing a headband and figures he must therefore be somewhat athletic.
Zawodni & Sons first round pick Isaac Kozell was extremely excited about his high selection. He posted the news on classmates.com to shove it in the faces of jocks he went to high school with and texted his wife to tell her that he wants his tombstone to say he was a first round pick in the second annual comedians’ football game.
Fourth round draft pick and perennial bench-warmer Elliott Burns (6 years experience; 1 career reception) predicted that he will score seven touchdowns, but Tim “Rosstradamus” Ross counter-predicted that Burns “will drop every single pass because he’s looking at Amy’s tits.”
Captain: John Pridmore
Draft: (1) John Dick Winters; (2) Alex Stypula; (3) Drew Kennedy; (4) Shannon Norman; (5) Gordon Duchene; (6) Brandon Rickard; (7) Zach Funk
Anal Avengers captain John Pridmore doesn’t sugarcoat things: “We are the team to beat. I mean that literally—we’re the team that everyone is going to beat.”
Pridmore denied rumors that he was a high school football star, saying he was only in charge of toweling off players after they showered. He said he may need his teammates to explain the rules of football to him, but that he will be very useful if someone pulls a groin muscle.
When asked about his strategy, Pridmore said his team “is gonna try to do that Hail Mary thing. I don’t know what it is, but everyone talks about it.” He also said he is going to try to grab opposing players’ crotches: “They can’t catch the ball if I have their balls.”
Zawodni & Sons captain Ray Zawodni expressed concern that Anal Avengers sociopath Alex Stypula would bite his players. Stypula is reportedly excited about “touching dicks to celebrate good plays.”
Tim “Rosstradamus” Ross said “it looks like John Pridmore picked his team based on the people most likely to bring drugs to the game.” Pridmore agreed that half his players will be wasted and at least one will be on cocaine: “We may not be the best team, but we’ll be the drunkest team.”
The Anal Avengers are planning to use some unorthodox methods to prepare for the game. Pridmore said he would get in shape by watching a Buffy the Vampire Slayer marathon and drinking a lot of chocolate milk. Shannon Norman said he is “going to eat a shitload of chicken Alfredo before this game so I puke everywhere as soon as I start running.”
When asked why he selected John Dick Winters with the first overall pick, Pridmore said “I forgot about the black guys.” Winters said he is looking forward to trying to hurt people, particularly his wily nemesis Erick Williams. He said Krispy Kremes and gin are the only performance-enhancing substances he will use, as he won’t take steroids because he can’t afford to make his genitals any smaller than they already are.
Captain: Matt Light
Draft: (1) Dustin Dowling; (2) Gio Attisano; (3) Aaron Reiber; (4) Zach Roach; (5) Aaron Kleiber; (6) Glenn Baroni; (7) Bobby Weir
Revolution captain Matt Light said his team has a 25% chance of winning it all, but a 100% chance of pissing off all the players on the other teams.
Light demonstrated why he earned a league-high four-star asshole rating when he said that “Dan Jenniches has as much of a chance as a three year old in an African Wild Dog enclosure.” He then announced a bounty on Jenniches: whoever takes him out gets an expired Hills gift card. He also seconded Ray Zawodni’s doubts about the reliability of the black players drafted by Jenniches.
Light said John Pridmore’s strategy “is like his jokes—it won’t work.” He mocked Ray Zawodni’s strategy of drafting Jewish players: “Jews are good at getting burnt.” He also said they are “good at getting their quarter back, not at playing quarterback.
Light drafted Aaron Kleiber to play quarterback even though he “threw like 40 interceptions” last year in his role as all-time quarterback. There are concerns that Kleiber will not be in peak physical condition for the game, as he said he will be drinking heavily for three straight nights prior to the game and that he may blow out his knee. John Evans told the press that Kleiber “tore his ACL bending over to pick up a Funyun.”
The Revolution’s first round pick Dustin Dowling said he feels no pressure because he will probably be in the best shape of anyone on the field. An anonymous source said that’s like being the least retarded person in the Special Olympics.
Light said his team will get fired up for the game by injecting crystal meth into their eyeballs, something he says he saw on an episode of Roseanne.
THE OFFICIATING CREW
Referee Brandon “Ray Charles” Johnson claims that he visited an eye doctor a year and a half ago and that he does not needed glasses or contacts. Johnson warned that players would be penalized for showing attitude to the referee or doing the types of things Ric Flair does. He also expressed a willingness to accept bribes. Rumor has it that Johnson will decide “simultaneous catch” situations by giving the ball to whichever player has most closely heeded his advice on how to improve the player’s jokes.
KEYS TO THE GAME: RACISM AND SEXISM
With the developing blacks versus Jews storyline, Pittsburgh comedy could have a Crown Heights Riot on its hands. It remains to be seen whether the black players will show up and lead Percocet to an easy victory or whether the insanely racist statements of Ray Zawodni and Matt Light will be proven correct in a tortoise/hare scenario. But if you’re doubting whether black people will show up when they're supposed to, just ask Mitt Romney.
With two girls set to play in the game, Pittsburgh’s male comedians have already ignited a veritable “war on women.” When Matt Light was told that Amy Capiross didn’t want to be on his team, he said “I blow her off for two shows and she doesn’t want to be on my team? I’m gonna clothesline her.” In an unrelated incident, Drew Kennedy said he “can’t wait to clothesline” Amber Schiefer, who responded by saying she would kick Kennedy in the teeth. The clothesline seems to be the weapon of choice for male comedians to threaten against those whom they think should be spending more time hanging laundry on a clothesline. However, such rampant misogyny could easily backfire. This writer asks that everyone remember how Julie “The Cat” Gaffney won the Junior Goodwill Games for Team USA at the end of Mighty Ducks 2.
–James J. Hamilton
James J. Hamilton is a comedian from Pittsburgh whose awesome genius is matched only by his incredible humility. You're missing out on a life-affirming experience if you don't follow him on Twitter and read his blog. If you want to hire him to tell masturbation jokes at your son's bar mitzvah or if you have any sexy pictures of Natalie Portman you'd like to share, contact email@example.com.