Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Movie Sequels They Should Make BY JAMES J. HAMILTON


Hey big shot Hollywood producers, here’s a bunch of great ideas for movie sequels I made up.

Taken 3 
A Mexican drug cartel takes Liam Neeson’s beloved childhood teddy bear and he goes on a murderous rampage to get it back.

Godfather 4 
Michael Corleone puts out a hit on Francis Ford Coppola for making Godfather 3.


Reservoir Dogs 2
Mr. Pink escapes with the diamonds but gets beaten to death by an Applebee’s wait staff for not tipping.

Black Swan 2 
Two hours of Natalie Portman/Mila Kunis girl-on-girl action.
I'll use any excuse to post this picture again.
Dark Knight 4
Four hours long and Batman is only in it for twelve minutes.

Big Lebowski 2
Because Tara Reid’s house is probably in foreclosure.

Gone With The Wind 2: I Still Don’t Give A Damn
Not giving a damn about Reconstruction.

Lost In Translation 2: Surf’s Up!
About the Japanese tsunami, but with Scarlett Johansson full frontal nudity.

Three Old Guys And A Twentysomething
The hilarious sequel to 1987’s Three Men And A Baby.
Where are they now?
Rocky 7: The Rambo 5 Chronicles
Stallone versus Stallone, where Stallone’s wallet wins but his dignity loses.

Fast And Furious 6
Because every couple of years there’s a new batch of 17 year olds who don’t realize how stupid these are.

The Graduate 2
“Coach Sandusky, you’re trying to seduce me, aren’t you.”

Jurassic Park 4
Buddy comedy prequel starring Samuel L. Jackson and Newman in their computer programmer roles (no dinosaurs). 

The Shawshank Redemption 2 
The homoerotic tale of two former prisoners refurbishing an old boat on a Mexican beach.
This time, the buttsex is consensual.
Moneyball 2: The Oakland A’s Still Haven’t Won Shit
Because Brad Pitt’s good looks do not a champion make.

Snakes On A Plane 2
Animated children’s comedy about heroic snakes who foil a terrorist hijacking plot.

Austin Powers 4
Because the Obama administration has made “100 billion dollars” sound like a laughably small amount of money.

Nutty Professor 3
Put Kevin Sorbo in it and milk that “Hercules! Hercules!” thing for all it’s worth.

Shrek 5
If nothing else, it will delay Mike Myers and Eddie Murphy from making Austin Powers 4 and Nutty Professor 3.

Indiana Jones 5
Indy retires from adventuring and becomes an expert on Pawn Stars who tells people their artifacts are fake.
The Holy Grail? I could maybe give you $20 for it.
You’re welcome, Hollywood!


James J. Hamilton is a comedian from Pittsburgh whose awesome genius is matched only by his incredible humility.  You're missing out on a life-affirming experience if you don't follow him on Twitter and read his blog.  If you want to hire him to tell masturbation jokes at your son's bar mitzvah or if you have any sexy pictures of Natalie Portman you'd like to share, contact jamesjhamiltoncomedy@gmail.com.

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