It was December 16, 2010. You were the hot blonde sipping red wine at the bar at Papa J’s in downtown Pittsburgh. I was the overweight comedian telling date rape jokes at the comedy open mic.
It was Christmastime and I had a joke where I said I got everyone a present and I held up an index card that said “A donation has been made in your name to the James J. Hamilton Alcohol & Marijuana Purchasing Fund.” I also said I was looking for people to volunteer at the “Suck My Dick Foundation” and I had a sign-up sheet. After my set, I handed out some of the “a donation has been made in your name” cards to people in the audience, most notably you.
I waited until the guy you were with went to the bathroom before I went up to you (turns out he wasn’t your boyfriend because he offered to give me his seat when he came back and I don’t think he would’ve done that if he was your boyfriend because I was clearly hitting on you although maybe he just felt so un-threatened by me that he didn’t care oh shit now I feel inadequate again).
I gave you one of my “a donation has been made in your name” cards and you asked me to sign it for you. It was the first time anyone asked for my autograph. You said the “Suck My Dick Foundation” bit was the best joke of the night. I agreed. I jokingly asked you to write your name on the “Suck My Dick Foundation” sign-up sheet and you almost did. I gave you my business card because I thought you would be impressed that it says “Attorney at Law” on it. You said you would friend me on Facebook. I waited, but that friend request never came. I should’ve asked you out right then, I but I didn’t and I’ve been kicking myself for it ever since.
I hope we see each other again. Wouldn’t we have the best “how we met” story ever? You asked me for my autograph and I asked you to make a written commitment to blow me. Our grandchildren will find that story hilarious when we tell it at Thanksgiving.
I don't know why I'm writing this on Craigslist Missed Connections as if I don't know who you are when in fact I wrote your name on the back of my setlist and have been Facebook-stalking you for over a year. That’s a really nice picture of you in that black dress. I want to lose myself in your eyes.
James J. Hamilton
James J. Hamilton is a comedian from Pittsburgh whose awesome genius is matched only by his incredible humility. Read his blog and check him out on Twitter, Facebook, and YouTube. For bookings, contact firstname.lastname@example.org.