Friday, March 16, 2012

The Gathering of Rappers by JEFF KONKLE




Far below the surface of the Earth a meeting takes place. The room is a cold bunker. The participants gather around a large oak table. The outcome of this meeting will decide the fate of the world. It is up to this group of thought leaders, men of great intelligence and insight, to steer the world in the right direction.

J-Kwon: Good evening Gentleman. We have been brought together on this evening to make very difficult decisions. These decisions will invariably alter the course of the World. I call to order the Gathering of Obscure Rap Stars. We will first discuss the debt crisis in Greece. Chingy, the floor is yours.

Chingy: Thank you Mr. Kwon. It is a pleasure to be here with such fine gentleman. As you all know, Greece has been living beyond its means since even before it joined the euro. After it adopted the euro, public spending soared and public sector wages practically doubled. However, while money has flowed out of the government's coffers, its income has been hit by widespread tax evasion. When the global financial downturn hit, Greece was ill-prepared to cope.

Bubba Sparxxx: What then is your recommendation?

Chingy: My proposal is that we gather all of the people in debt and threaten them.

Slim Thug: Praytell, how would we communicate this threat to them?

Chingy: Quite simply we ask the question of the Greek People: “Wurr’s My $$$$?” I think that if we lace this communication with vague threats of violence coupled with some boasting, the Greek people will accept that public sector pay must be cut and many bonuses scrapped, if they are to achieve any type of sustainable solution. In essence, Mr. Slim, we’d call shots like a boss.

J-Kwon: An excellent suggestion. All in favor?

Group: Aye!

J-Kwon: It is settled then. Chingy will head up this project with the gentleman from Trillville. Cappadonna, you will serve as executive sponsor. Now we should really move on. Bizzy Bone has prepared an excellent presentation on the current nuclear proliferation in Iran. Then Rosco P. Coldchain will give us a synopsis of his trip to the Diamond Mines of South Africa. We’ll take a short break for lunch. I understand that Del the Funky Homosapien has baked some of his famous Peppermint Brownies.

Pharoahe Monch: Hooray!

J-Kwon: Then in the afternoon we have two more presentations. Lord Tariq and Peter Guns will be presenting options regarding a response to the rise of certain bacteria strains among cattle farms in the American Mid-West. Finally, we’ll end the day with a leadership activity, headed up by Matisyahu, Obie Trice, Royce da 5’9” and two members of the St. Lunatics.

Jeff Konkle is a stand-up comedian and freelance writer for "Pants Magazine."
This is his website.

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