Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Fight of the Week RESULTS: Madonna vs. Elton John

The Bullet Points
-Strength. Quite a fuss was made over Super Bowl Weekend about Madonna and her “man-arms”, so much so that she opted for full sleeves on her halftime costume. Personally I think it’s because she’s a pioneer of the Old Lady Arm Mullet (I’m trademarking that here and now) – It’s business up top, with some raging biceps and stuff, and bingo on the bottom, with all the flabby skin you’d expect to see waving around when an old lady yells “BINGO” and waves her card proudly in the air. That being said, the woman keeps herself up pretty well as far as exercise and fitness and shit like that. Though she may be far past her prime on the magazine-cover scale of attractive, she’s still fit and ready to kick ass.
Elton, on the other hand, has continue to balloon and get soft as the year have gone on. I’m not sure he was ever in fighting shape. He was thinner in the youth of his career, however, I don’t think he was exactly fit to run into a brawl. No, I think this category goes to Madge for sure.
-Skill. Elton is clearly the better musician of the two. He’s a master pianist, singer, and songwriter. I highly doubt Madonna wrote 50% of her songs and, last I checked, the only thing she could do instrument wise aside from rock a mean skin flute was to jam out a few chords of Pantera on rhythm guitar in front of a live audience. Seriously, that shit happened, go look it up on YouTube, it was actually pretty awesome. I’m sure there will be Madonna fans lambasting me for this category, but I think Elton’s got her beat here. Elton, for my money, is the more skilled individual because he wrote his own shit. That always counts big, at least for me, in the respect department when it comes to performers.
Also, dancing wise, I thought it was pretty funny that they had to slow down the dance break of “Party Rock Anthem” so that Madonna could keep up with the tempo. Looks like someone’s lost a step along the line…
-Flamboyance. This one is a tough call. Both of them go over the top with their performances and costumes and stage theatrics. See, the thing about Elton is that he’ll guest on other people’s performances, but that’s to enhance the focus on the other performer. He’s using his flamboyance as a tool to promote a younger artist, which is kind of a superhero thing to do when you think about it. Madge, on the other hand, does the exact opposite. She drafts younger performers to her halftime show to guest on her songs to prove that she’s still hip and relevant, even though she’s three years away from being a card-carrying AARP member. The halftime smokescreen of LMFAO, Nikki Minaj, MIA, CeeLo, acrobats, Legionnaires, etc, was indeed flamboyant, but in the end served to distract rather than enhance. The only time your attention was focused solely on Madonna through that entire show was when she had her Xerxes-like entrance at the beginning. For a minute, I thought part of the act was going to be Gerard Butler tossing a spear at her head. Though Elton can be flamboyant, it’s often just he himself doing it. When Madonna wants to be flamboyant, she drags everyone into the act, including but not limited to a gospel choir, some sick backup dancers, the entire Persian army, and possibly 300 Spartans.
-Secret Weaknesses. This category was a bit of a late entry and it only struck me at the end of Madonna’s halftime performance. Smoke rose up and Madge was gone. It’s my opinion that, rather than the overly obvious trap door bait-and-switch, someone accidentally spilled water on her and she melted like the Wicked Witch of the West. Not surprising considering how many bargains she’s probably had to make with the Devil to continue to be where she is now. The problem is, Elton would have to get close enough to her once discovering this weakness to take advantage. Madonna will have this taken care of because she already knows Elton’s weakness and has plenty on hand to take care of him: MEN.
In the end, I like to think Madonna lost the real halftime show, but that’s not what we’re here to decide.

Debate Winner: Madonna

Vote Winner:
Overall Winner: Madonna

Fight of the Week is written by Justin Bidula

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