Saturday, January 14, 2012

Food for Thought BY Mike Buzzelli

I accidentally had garlic toast for breakfast. It was quite a shock. I had bought a loaf of garlic bread at Giant Eagle but then discovered I had to use a coupon at Breadworks on the North Side by Nov. 1. So the Giant Eagle bread went into the freezer.
Two months later, I took the bread out of the freezer and made a slice of toast, completely forgetting that the bread was laced with garlic. It was an unpleasant surprise.
One time, I caught a former co-worker, Doris, eating a Lean Cuisine at 8 a.m. When I admonished her for her oddness, she simply said, "My stomach doesn't know what time it is."I got to thinking, like I do, are we just conditioned to accept certain foods at certain times of day? I rarely eat toast or drink orange juice after 11 a.m. I am not a big "breakfast for dinner" person. I can't have an omelet and home fries after noon. Nor can I eat spaghetti for breakfast.
Doris believes that all food is just food and it shouldn't matter what you eat when, as long as it's somewhat healthy, though I bought a bunch of those Lean Cuisines (for lunch only) and they don't tell you they are loaded with sodium. Loaded! I pack fresh fruits and veggies now.
I have certain foods that go with other foods. I think you can drink water or red wine with pasta, beer or a soft drink with pizza, and juice or hot tea with breakfast. I, personally, never ever acquired a taste for coffee.
I have a friend who believes it's perfectly acceptable to drink milk with spaghetti. Her whole family does it. Gross. I've never been a fan of milk. I used to joke, "I'm so lactose-intolerant that I burned a cross into a lawn on the dairy farm."
Plenty of times, I've seen people eat cereal as a late-night snack. I guess it's healthy, but, for me, cereal is a morning food. I freak out a bunch of people because I eat Raisin Bran dry. (I just told you I'm lactose-intolerant.)
I also separate the peas and corn from the mashed potatoes. I'm closer to the nothing-touches camp than the mix-it-all-together-and-pour-it-in camp, but I'm not quite so fanatical. I don't mind if the peas tumble toward the mashed potatoes, they just can't rest on top or get inside. Some people can't live without divider plates.
I have to say, I don't want dessert on my dinner plate, either. My dad could plop a piece of pie on a plate with sauce or oil and vinegar on it. Little bits of salad would stick to the pie crust. Eww.
Mike Buzzelli
Don't even get me started on those McGriddles. Sausage and syrup together! I can't think of anything more repulsive. (I don't begrudge anyone who likes them, but they would never be on my personal breakfast menu.)
Doris is probably reading her Saturday morning paper right now, eating a low-calorie lasagna.

Read more by Mike Buzzelli at

Mike Buzzelli has performed his standup routine at places on the Left Coast like The Comedy Store and The Ice House, before relocating to Western Pennsylvania. And he has plenty of writing experience, to boot.

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