Monday, January 23, 2012

Edwards Businessman: Why Republicans Love Johnny Depp BY Ron Placone

A recent Filmdrunk survey indicated that Johnny Depp is among the most popular actors amidst Republican film-lovers. Upon first impression this may come as a surprise, with the whole Hunter Thompson friendship and living in France, but upon further inspection, with a slew of pro-business and family-values roles it should come as no surprise that Depp is a darling of the right. Here are a few:

1. Captain Jack Sparrow:
Beneath the rebel Pirate was a staunch conservative businessman. He didn’t like to share, and he spent most of his time seeking gold, wealth! A true fiscal-conservative, Captain Sparrow didn’t see the need to hire a ship crew for his endeavors, their union-fees were of course, unreasonable and astronomical, so he sailed his ship himself and outsourced his navigation. No benefit packages for those guys! This of course did have a few set-backs, but in the end he got some gold, and you can bet your peg-leg Captain Jack Sparrow wouldn’t want to be shelling over his gold to the US Government either. Aye, Captain Jack Sparrow would fear an IRS form even more than he feared a shower.

2. Sweeney Todd:
You make meat pies, I can shave peoples’ faces, let’s conglomerate! I’ve got this little kid I’ve picked up along the way so we’ve got plenty of great photo ops! Business genius. If it just so happens I lose my mind and go on a killing spree, you may just find out that human meat works best. That’s called multi-purpose resources and that’ll save us money each month on beef!

3. Last, but certainly not least, Edward Scissorhands:
First, with hands like that, you can rest assured no funny business was going on with Winona Ryder. Edward is the Religious Right’s wet-dream. This guy can’t even hug somebody without having issues. When he was seduced by the neighborhood tramp he ran away. She then lied about what actually happened. See, Edward was a victim, just like Herman Cain.
Plus, there’s a few things they didn’t tell us about the end. Edward, upon retreating back to his castle, immediately began making ice sculptures, he had been landscaping for the neighbors and cutting hair free-of-charge, but that was all part of his plan. Get them hooked on the product, and then charge them and take their money quicker than Thursday-night bingo. With the help of Kevin, the youngest in Edward’s adopted family, Edward sold his limited edition ice sculptures at three times their value using the pseudonym Jazzpants Geraldo. With that whole faking his own death thing Edward never had to pay rent or taxes, a straight-liquid business free from any Government obligation, pure, unfiltered capitalism baby!

Even Edward’s creator fit the Republican mold, as all studies seem to indicate that no embryonic stem-cells were used in Edward’s creation.

-- Ron Placone is a stand-up comedian and writer. You can find his podcast: Thoughts, Rants & Cold Coffee regularly on PghComedy.com or Click here for episode list.
 He has opened for some of the top comedians in the country and has appeared on CNN.

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