APRIL is bringing a trio of some of our favorite comics to Pittsburgh in the Spring Value Tour 2011. Comedy connoisseurs will be pumped to see Todd Barry & Neil Hamburger joined by Brendon Walsh at THE SMILING MOOSE, April 9th 2011. You can also see them in some surrounding cities - see banner.
My memory isn't what it used to be. Today, I went to push my glasses up on the bridge of my nose, but I had taken them off earlier and I poked myself in the eye. I walk into rooms, and I forget what I'm doing there. Usually, I stand there for several seconds, walk back out, remember and return. My life is a scavenger hunt. I am constantly hunting down my keys, my wallet, my tennis shoes. For me, "Why am I here?" isn't an existential question; it's a literal one. Why am I here? Oh. Right. I left something important in here.
Gone are the days when I could run out of the house at the last minute. I have to mark off my checklist, denoting the location of my money, keys, cell phone.
Once, I was talking on the cell phone as I was walking out the door. I grabbed my pants pocket. I almost said to the person to whom I was speaking, "Wait. Where is my cell phone?" I also have sought out my glasses while they were on my head, and I have looked for my keys while I was driving.
I am convinced my tennis shoes have gotten up on their own power and walked out of the room where I left them. Maybe they were bored, because I don't exercise enough in them.
The forgetfulness is really bad in this era of personal identification numbers and passwords, especially because so many of them have to be different lengths or contain numbers or symbols or both.
I will never meet the love of my life on match.com simply because I don't remember my password. There is probably someone out there yearning to meet me, but that person is on the other side of a wall. I can't communicate with my suitors; I can only wink at them. Pyramus and Thisbe be damned.
I like the websites that give you hints. I responded to the one that read, "Name your favorite high school teacher and your favorite author." I used William Weprich and Walt Whitman, because the alliteration made it one step easier for me. I was still denied. I had to put my teacher in as Mr. Weprich or it wouldn't grant me access.
I think I changed my favorite author to Constantin Cavafy. Yes, I picked another poet, but I actually like alliteration more than poetry.
Even though no one was going to see it but me, I couldn't tell the truth and name my favorite author as Stan Lee, the creator of Spider-Man, the Fantastic Four and the X-Men. I had to be pretentious even when no one was looking.
Sometimes the hint questions are different, and I am tripped up even further. "Name your childhood pet." I had a turtle. He didn't have a name. He was just Turtle. Maybe he was even Turtle the turtle. He only lasted a few days and then he ran away. Or rather walked away. After all, he was a turtle. Though now, years later, I suspect that when my dad said, "The turtle ran away," what he meant was, "I flushed him down the toilet."
I was trying to make a point about something, but I forgot what I was talking about.
Mike Buzzelli has performed his standup routine at places on the Left Coast like The Comedy Store and The Ice House, before relocating to Western Pennsylvania. And he has plenty of writing experience, to boot.
(Here is the story about my father and his KFC catastrophe. A Little Background: My dad always gets what he wants; especially when he feels that he was ripped off. )
One Sunday, my parents decided to invite my grandmother, brother, my brother's girlfriend, my girlfriend and I over for dinner (nothing fancy). My parents decided to get KFC, and of course my brother and I were volunteered to go get it. Sounds like a simple, boring Sunday dinner, but thanks to an incompetent KFC employee, a wrinkle and a laugh were upon the horizon.
When my brother and I returned from KFC, everyone got their chicken and began to eat. In the corner of my eye, I saw my dad approach the bucket, and begin to examine each piece of chicken, one after the other. He then asked everyone if they had taken any breasts. Of course my brother and I chuckled like two little school boys, although my dad didn’t find it to be that funny. After examining all of the chicken on our plates, he became irate. Holding two chicken legs, pumping his fists, my dad began to shout, "There should be breasts; they forgot the breasts! They ripped us off. The breasts are the most expensive part of the chicken." My dad then said that he was going to call KFC and complain, which knowing my dad is something he would do, but I thought that he was joking this time. He went upstairs to my parents’ bedroom. I quietly followed, and made it to the top of the stairs just as he finished dialing. I heard my dad utter the following, "Yeah, we ordered a 20 piece bucket, and it didn’t come with any breast. Your menu clearly states there are to be breasts included in the bucket. Furthermore, my friend is visiting and he only likes the breasts, now he can’t enjoy his meal and I am upset." If I were on the other line of the phone, I would’ve laughed hysterically, thinking it was a prank call, but I guess the KFC contingent is trained to take all calls seriously. My dad came back to the dinning room with a look of accomplishment on his face. He proudly rang, "Next time we get KFC, I just have to tell them my name, and we will get extra breasts."
A month later we got KFC once again. I went with my dad to pick up the chicken, with one thing in mind. As they handed my dad the bucket of chicken, and of course his extra breasts, I shouted, "I am the friend who loves the breasts!"
-- JUSTIN MARKUSS is a comedian based in Pittsburgh who has been featured at the FunnyBone; he has worked with - Mitch Fatel, Arte Lange from the Howard Stern Show, the Queen of Mean Lisa Lampanelli, and Harry Anderson (Night Court). Check him out HERE
