Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Fight of the Week RESULTS: Simpsons vs. Griffins - Week 4

The Bullet Points

- These two families are matched, person for person. The typical nuclear family on both sides; mother, father, 2.5 kids, and a dog (plus one cat in the case of the Simpsons). This does not mean, however, that this is an even fight. In lieu of the heavy debate this week, I’ll just list each combatant and their pairing.

-Lois vs. Marge. Not much of a contest here. Marge isn’t much of a combatant and is known to be extremely timid. Lois, on the other hand, has beaten the crap out of numerous people, most notably Ms. Ironbox. Lois has also been shown to be down with some freaky S&M type stuff (when Peter was a cop and she got turned on by being shot in the arm, asking him to jam his finger into the bullet hole and twist it). I think any pain endured would only help to strengthen her resolve.

-Meg vs. Lisa. Meg has a lot of pent-up rage and Lisa leans towards her mother’s timid ways. I think Meg has it in the bag here, unless Lisa can come up with some way to psychoanalyze Meg and get her to stop before the pummeling starts. Though, I don’t believe she would have time, as Meg would more than likely fly into a blind berserk frenzy. Though, Lisa does have a mean right hook when irritated.

-Chris vs. Bart. Bart has this one hands down. Chris may have his father's fighting skills and ability to take damage, but Bart's clearly the smarter of the two. He’s certainly more clever than Chris. I think it comes down to Bart’s streetwise, scheming skills. He can probably take Chris down without landing a punch, or by using his exceptional marksmanship skills with a slingshot. Either way, Bart doesn’t get his hands very dirty before Chris is taken down for the count.

-Stewie vs. Maggie. Please. Even though Maggie may have shot Mr. Burns, she’s not as cold-blooded as Stewie. Though she shows herself to be one of the smarter members of the Simpson family from time to time, Stewie is a freaking genius. It takes all of two seconds before Maggie is vaporized and Stewie collects a red pacifier as a trophy.

-Brian vs. Santa’s Little Helper and Snowball II. Gotta put pets against pets. Brian gets the leg up here, no pun intended. The fact that he’s anthropomorphic and can do many things humans can do gives him the advantage over straight-up animal power. He whacks them both and goes off to find the nearest bar.

-Peter vs. Homer. Of course, this would be the real fight. We know Peter has fighting skills, as witnessed with the Chicken if not in other places. He’s a brawler, but he can surely hold his own in just about any situation, including drawn out action-movie-scale fights. Homer’s only advantage is that he is fairly immune to pain, able to shake off most things and emerge unharmed. So, we have a kind of irresistible force vs. immovable object scenario here. We’ve seen Peter badly beaten, damaged, and bleeding. Usually, Homer doesn’t suffer many of those effects, even when something extraordinarily bad happens to him. I think this one is too close to call. They would both fight until they dropped and I think it would come down to who collapses from exhaustion first. I willing to take a leap and call Peter on this one, just because of the extent of the Chicken Fights and his ability to walk right back into the scene, torn up and damaged, and continue like nothing ever happened.

Take it or leave it, the rules said last one of the family standing. So far, there are more members of one family standing than the other. Many more.

- The Big Downfall. In the Shamalanian twist to this whole fight, by the time it's all over and most of the Griffins stand victorious, they will realize that deep down they all hate each other. We've seen simple family gatherings dissolve into total melees with them before. Stewie would use this as an opportunity to off Lois and the whole thing would go to hell from there. The Griffins start brawling until the entire family is KOed on the ground, leaving only one Bartholemew J. Simpson still standing, thereby winning it for his family by default.

The Results

Vote Winner: The Simpsons
Debate Winner: The Griffins overall, The Simpsons via TKO.

Overall Winner: The Simpsons

Fight of the Week is written by Justin Bidula

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