Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Wal-Mart Shoppers Assaulted by JEFF KONKLE


Brentwood, MO - Black Friday shoppers shoved their way into retail establishments all over the United States early today. Many were out bargain hunting; others just wanted to get the best deals. All this was being done of course under the austere of having a Merry Christmas. But for the hundreds of people at the Wal-mart in the Lakemont Shopping Plaza, things were not so merry.

“I had lined up around ten o’clock at night so I could save four dollars on a flat screen TV,” says Marion Pell of Chesterfield. “And people were going nuts! I saw people pushing each other, cussing at each other, and this one guy really lost it.”

Around nine thirty in the morning an unidentified man in his early thirties appeared at the Wal-Mart dressed in a white robe. Eyewitness reports say that he immediately became furious at the frenzy that was taking place.


“I mean the dude lost his marbles,” explains Jacob Miller of Brentwood. “First of all, he just kind of popped up out of nowhere. Then he takes a look around and then his eyes start watering up, like he just watched Extreme Home Makeover or something.”

According to police reports and the Wal-Mart’s own Closed-Circuit Television system, the man became enraged, perhaps overcome by the unbelievable savings. He leapt behind several cash registers and began to overturn them.

Several customers became irate at the man disrupting their Christmas shopping and attempted to restrain him. The man began to strike customers violently, landing vicious jabs and kicks. At least four people needed to be taken to the hospital.

Miller believes the man was mentally ill. “It wasn’t even like he was after any merchandise. He didn’t have any shopping bags or nothing. He just kept screaming, ‘I've had it with you f----ing people!’ and ‘I died for this?’ He needed some serious Christmas Spirit, that's all I'll say.”

The man was able to escape before store security or local police were able to arrive and remains at large. Citizens are warned to be on the lookout for the unidentified man as he is obviously unstable and potentially dangerous. Police say to be on the lookout for a Middle Eastern man in his late thirties, heavy beard, dark long hair, wearing sandals and some type of robe or shroud.





Police Sketch

Jeff Konkle is a stand up comedian and writer. He will be at Buckhead Saloon on Dec. 7th and the Pittsburgh Improv Dec. 22 and 23. Check out Konkdaddy.com for more.

No comments: