Monday, August 22, 2011

Pilgrims BY JEFF KONKLE


Everyone complains about flights and the airports but we have it so good.  It makes me wonder if that’s just our nature; to complain.  Is that what happened with the Pilgrims on the Mayflower?

A couple of Quakers finally get to the New World and set their bags down.  Some relative was like, “Well?  How was your trip!”

Ugh!  Terrible!  First of all, it took us For-EVER to get through security!  They made me unbuckle my shoes then they checked my pantaloons and I honestly think one of the Queen’s guards was like getting off by patting me down.  It’s like, get a real job!  Why don’t you check the Persian guy?  I’m not the one smuggling exotic spices to the New World.

Then, we didn’t shove off for like 45 minutes!  One of the slaves tried to escape or something.  Who knows?  But I was like C’mon already!  I paid six-pence for this spot on the ship.  You should have taken care of that before we got here!

Then all they had to eat the ENTIRE time was hardtack!  I was like, uh excuse me I’m getting scurvvy over here!  Vitamin C deficiency.  Ever heard of it?

The guy next to me talked the whole time!  He kept going on and on about how many Savage’s he’s going to murder.  All 66 days!  That’s all he ever talked about.  Plundering and murdering, plunder and murdering.  He never shut up.  Too bad he didn’t get scurvvy.

Then the captain finally said, “land-ho” so everyone started standing up and collecting their things and I was like, “Uh, why is everyone standing up.  We still have to taxi in to the dock and that’s like at least 4 more hours.  You guys look stupid standing up like that.”

Ugh!  So that was my trip.  The kicker was that they didn’t even offer Wi-Fi.  


I personally think the Pilgrims were a little melodramatic.  It was probably like having a 15 year old.  The Queen of England was like, “Pilgrims?  It’s Sunday.  Do you want to go to Church?”

“Not your church mumsy!  I won’t go!  I don’t believe what you believe in!  I hate you!”  Then they slammed their door, sat on their bean bag chair and listened to Dark Side of the Moon.

Was it really that bad?  They literally had almost no idea what would happen to them.  They weren’t even sure the Earth was round back then.  Just sailing into the abyss.  That’s like if I got pissed at my girlfriend and said, “Well if that’s the way you feel, then I’m going to get into this rocket ship and fly into a black hole!”  It’s just all a bit juvenile. 

I wonder if the Pilgrims were waiting for the Queen to beg them to stay.  “Like aww...no....Pilgrims...please stay!  Please.”  

Were they sailing out to sea looking back, “We’re serious!  We’re definitely going.”

But the Queen was like, “K.  Fine.”

“We’re really serious!  Like, you won’t see us ever again.”  

“That’s cool.”

“Whatever!  We really ARE going now!  Good-bye!  For-ever!” 

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Jeff is a very funny stand-up comedian & humor writer in Pittsburgh.
Check out more from JEFF KONKLE @ KonkDaddy.com 




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