Friday, July 15, 2011

Naming Names BY JEFF KONKLE

Jeff Konkle - www.konkdaddy.com
Naming Names
July 12, 2011 at 6:56 AM
There are a certain amount of things we see repeatedly in our lives that have no word to describe them. A small sentence or short paragraph will usually do.  However, in this world of 140 characters and maximum efficiency, I've decided to name some things that need to be named.

Balloot -  A person you can just tell was a nerd their entire life but now they work out a lot and could probably beat you up.

Brian used to strike out in wiffle ball, but then he went to college, experimented with steroids and P-90X.  He's a real balloot now.


Flazzing - The motion of interrupting a conversation to look down at a text or check a Facebook update on one's smart phone.  

Did you just flaz me, Jacob?  Eyes up here!


Shadi - A popular style of music that is so devoid of any substance that it causes one to shake one's head in complete pity for the human race (think Ke$ha or Akon).

At 96.1 we play all the Shadi hits, all the time!  Next up, Drake with his new song: "I'm Rich and Famous,(but Somehow of Absolutely Zero Consequence)."


Asin - When one wake up in the morning and is terribly sore, but one didn't work out or do anything active the day beforehand.

I threw a frisbee around yesterday.  I guess that's why I woke up so asin today.


Chorp - The phenomenon that occurs when one's web-browser just closes for no reason at all.

I was looking at ESPN.com and my browser just chorped on me.


Rinedens - People who drink red wine constantly because they actually believe that antioxidants will make them live longer.

Being a Rineden, Alex downed his tenth glass of Merlot and went to bed thinking that he was in great shape.  He had a heart attack the next day.


Hucklepump - That thing when one buy a used textbook and it's already highlighted, but the previous owner was indiscriminate in their highlighting and highlighted like EVERYTHING!!!!

My Finance Book has been hucklepumped!


Tillbo - A white person who is proficient at using chopsticks.

There's a tillbo over there eating chow mein.  Show off!


Pubbuttle - That little pool of water that splashes on you when you take coffee cups out of the dishwasher.

Dammit!  I got pubbuttle on me again!


Melp - The sound that happens when some random muscle relaxes deep in one's throat, involuntarily releasing a muffled belch.

Alice dabbed her mouth and melped into her napkin. It was gross.

Jeff is a stand-up comedian.

www.Konkdaddy.com

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