Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Blues on the Beach BY MIKE BUZZELLI

I had a lovely little vacation last week. I went on my annual sojourn to Rehoboth Beach, Del.
I had fun in the sun until I turned a slightly reddish hue on a few select areas that I missed while spraying on sunscreen. There's always a spot I miss. I have a few inches around my midsection that are red; my bathing suit scrunched down and I have a red strip of skin right where my belt normally rests. Matter of fact, every time I tighten my belt or hike my pants up, I scream in terror.
Since I was at the beach, I've decided to share a page from my diary. Actually, I'm just being lazy. Instead of writing a new column, I'm just tearing a page out of here and using it. Of course, all the cursing and the lewd and lascivious behavior have been removed. If you want lewd and lascivious, go watch Kathy Griffin, Russell Brand or that potty-mouthed Bob Saget (trust me, he's worse than a sailor on shore leave).

Dear Diary,

I am writing to you (in you) from the beach. It's hot. Rivulets of sweat are plopping onto the page and the ink blots and bleeds as I write. Sand is getting everywhere. My towel isn't big enough to keep me safe from the encroaching gritty grains.
Diary, I need to know something: Who are all these people who list, "I like to take long romantic walks on the beach" in their profile? Because walking on the beach is hard. I've been here all week and I haven't seen that many people walking arm-in-arm on the beach. Besides, one hermit crab or jellyfish washing up and nipping at a guy's toe, wherein he screams girlishly, could be a romantic deal-breaker.
As for making love on the beach ... no, thank you. I don't want to sound like a fuss-budget or prude, but the sand is getting everywhere and I'm just lying here. If, for some untoward reason, I was undulating like Burt Lancaster and Deborah Kerr in "From Here to Eternity," I just know I would chafe and itch for days afterward. It wouldn't be nearly as romantic.
I went to take a shower yesterday and a big seashell fell out of my swim trunks. I walked around for hours with a big seashell stuck to my butt, and I didn't even know it. There's probably a nautilus print on my hindquarters.
Speaking of bathing suits, Serge, the boy at the grocery store on the corner from our rental, is from Moldavia. I really thought that was a made-up country, created exclusively for a season finale of "Dynasty" (I realize this reference is from the Paleolithic era, but I didn't edit this thing). Anyway, Serge was behind the counter in his swim trunks and I said, "You are so lucky. You get to go to work in your bathing suit."
He said, "Is for swimming."
I repeated the word "bathing suit," unaware that it was causing a language barrier. He kept repeating, "Is for swimming." He started to get a little angry. At no point did I change my tack and call it a swim suit. I don't know why I was so insistent or idiotic (actually, I used a less-than-flattering word that political correctness forbids me to say).
Serge probably thought I was making some lewd and lascivious remark because I used the word "bathing" and not "swimming." No wonder he was getting angry. He probably thought I wanted to take a bath with him.
At least bathing with someone is more romantic than taking a long walk on the beach, though I can't imagine you'll ever see that listed in any profiles: "I like going to the movies, roller-skating, and taking a bath with a special someone." Yeah. That's just unseemly.
Meanwhile, I'm going to have to learn how to apologize in Moldavian. Maybe I'll ask Joan Collins.

Screenwriter, Standup comedian, and actor Mike Buzzelli has performed at The Comedy Store, The Ice House and various other locations throughout Southern California.
Later this year, Mike four issue comic book miniseries, NORMAL, will be published by Warpton.
He is a former Third Place Winner in the ‘One In Ten’ Gay and Lesbian Screenplay Competition, and a former runner-up in Writers Digest Competition, Venice Arts Screenwriting Competition, America’s Best Screenplay Competition, and the Wisconsin Screenwriting Competition. Recently, his play was performed at two venues in Norfolk, Virginia.
He has optioned two feature screenplays, both comedies, to independent production companies. And has several feature screenplays ready for production.
As an actor Mike has performed on television in “Girls Behaving Badly” and performed in “The Big Show” at the Pan Andreas theatre in Hollywood.

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