Friday, April 15, 2011

A Royal Wedding...4 Months After BY JEFF KONKLE

Their wedding was out of a fairy tale.  A young, handsome prince exchanged vows with a charming, beautiful aristocrat.  The world was captivated by the glamour and majesty of it all.  A life of royal jewels and prestige and interesting adventures awaited them.  They vacationed on the beaches of Corsica, drank the finest French wine, and enjoyed the company of the most interesting people on the planet…for about 4 months.

It’s Tuesday night and Kate and Prince William lounge about their handsome house in an affluent area of the English Countryside.  
Kate is folding some shirts in their washroom. She’s not wearing an elegant Prada dress.  She’s got on yoga pants and sweater that says “Pepsi Max.” William is sitting in the living room wearing basketball shorts and a Salty Dog CafĂ© T-shirt (Myrtle Beach).

Kate: Willy?
William (calling from the Living Room): Yeah?
Kate: Do you have any laundry?
William: What?
Kate (louder): Do you have laundry?
William: No.
Kate walks into the Living Room.

Kate: What’cha watching?
William: The football match.
She sits down in front of the TV.
Kate: Oh.  Can we watch something else?
William tries to look around her.
William: It should only be on for a few more minutes.  Bastard Wayne Rooney.  He’s taken four bloody shots and he’s missed every time.
Kate: Do you want to do anything afterwards?
William: Like what?
Kate: I don’t know.
William (thinking): Uh…we could…we could play croquet with the Consulate from Saudi Arabia.  He’s always up for a game. 
Kate: No.  I don’t like his wives.  They’re annoying.
William:  We could…nah…
Kate: What?
William: Would you want to go to the shops?  I thought you saw a Lamborghini you wanted.
Kate: Eh…I’m not really in a shopping mood.
William:  Ok.  We could…go to Buckingham Palace and visit our crown jewels.
Kate: That’s so boring.  Plus we just saw your dad on Sunday.
They sit in silence.  The soccer match plays in the background.

Kate: We should do something fun!
William lets out a huge belch.

William:  How’s that for fun?
Kate (laughing): Eww!
William: That pizza was delightful tonight.  Where was it from?
Kate: Giuseppe’s.
William belches again.
William:  Mmm.  Pepperoni!
Kate: Yuck!  You’re disgusting.  Can we do something please?  I’m dreadfully bored!
William: Well what do you want to do?
Kate: Something fun…
William: Yeah but like what?
Kate: I don’t know!
William: Well what do you want me to do about it?
Kate: Ugh…I don’t know. I thought that being a Princess would be a little more exciting.
William: Hey did you happen to see my Blackberry around here somewhere?
Kate: No.  Is it lost?
William: Why would I ask you if you’ve seen it if I knew where it was?
Kate: I don’t know!  I’m just trying to help.  Stop being mean to me!
William (laughing):  I’m not being mean to you.
They sit in silence.  Kate looks agitated.  The soccer game continues to play in the background.
William (serious):  I’m not being mean to you.

Kate: Fine.  I’m going to bed.
She stands up and walks away.

William: But it’s only 9:30…
She calls back as she stomps up the stairs.
Kate: I know.
William resumes watching the soccer game.  He shakes his head.  He knows he’s in trouble.
William: Great…just great.

Jeff Konkle is a stand-up comedian who can currently be seen featuring at the Improv Waterfront, he has opened for national headliners like - Aries Spears (Mad TV), Bill Burr (HBO, Comedy Central Presents), Josh Blue, Kevin Brennan, Juston McKinney and Pauley Shore.

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