Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Jabba the Hutt: Goal Tender Scouting Report BY MATT BOWER

Pros:  Jabba the Hutt has several natural advantages—especially physically—that I believe would allow him to become an exemplary netminder.  His 1,700-pound blimp-like frame would prevent cannon-fire from entering a mountain tunnel, let alone a puck from entering a net. His complete lack of lateral movement is negligible, considering size.  Rebound control and shot recovery also exceed standard, since body structure is that of a gluttonous blob which tends to “gobble” pucks rather than deflect them.  In short: plop something the size of a baby sperm whale in front of a four-foot high, six-foot wide net, and rely on simple physics.

Cons:  When not tending goal, Jabba the Hutt is a ruthless gangster and intergalactic fugitive; signing him may spur a public relations nightmare.  Furthermore, his insatiable appetite for slave girls and/or cheerleaders may eventually lead to a league investigation possibly resulting in hefty fines, extended suspensions, and first-degree murder charges. He also insists on keeping a rancor monster in the penalty box, which means a simple two-minute minor will inevitably lead to a prolonged play-stoppage to scrub bloody guts from the ice.  Lastly, his sexual aggression toward Zamboni machines is…well…it would not permit the kind of kid-friendly intermission the league encourages. He also leaves a trail of green slime wherever he goes. 

Matt Bower is an actor & comedian; he can be seen performing with the improv troupe, The Cellar Dwellers.

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