Tuesday, March 1, 2011

2011 Oscars Recap BY JAMES J. HAMILTON

For those of you who missed the Oscars on Sunday (and for those of you who blacked out pregaming the red carpet), here’s a recap:
Inception won awards for Cinema-tography, Visual Effects, Sound Mixing, and Sound Editing. It also won for Best Performance By A Top In A Supporting Role, and has the distinction of being the first non-Jewish top to win in that category.
Inception also edged out Shutter Island in the category of Best Picture In Which A Character Played By Leonardo DiCaprio Ends Up Living In A Fantasy World Rather Than Facing The Truth About His Dead Wife And His Children. Spoiler alert: If you haven’t seen those two movies, you shouldn’t have read that sentence.
The Social Network won for Adapted Screenplay, Editing, and Original Score. The score’s composer, Trent Reznor, has the distinction of being the first Best Score Oscar winner to have previously written a song containing the lyrics “fist fuck.” Suck on that, John Williams.
Justin Timberlake’s performance in The Social Network won for Best Performance By A Former Member Of Nsync, which was a no brainer because the other members of Nsync are either working at grocery stores or doing gay porn.
Jesse Eisenberg didn’t win Best Actor, but his portrayal of Mark Zuckerberg won awards for Character Who Most Deserved An Atomic Wedgie and for Performance Most Likely To Cause Someone To Donate 100 Million Dollars To Charity To Rehabilitate His Image.
True Grit won for Most Likely To Cause Inappropriate Thoughts About A Fourteen Year Old Girl.
Toy Story 3 won for Best Animated Feature, as well as Animated Feature Most Likely To Cause Grown Men To Bite Their Own Tongues Until They Bleed Trying Not To Cry In Front Of The Person They Came To The Movies With But Then Ending Up Crying Anyway.
Robert De Niro’s performance in Little Fockers won the award for You Should Seriously Just Retire From Movies Unless And Until Scorsese Wants To Work With You Again.
The Fighter took home some awards, including Mark Wahlberg’s win for Leading Actor Most Upstaged By His Supporting Cast. He really deserved it. Christian Bale won Best Supporting Actor and Melissa Leo won Best Supporting Actress, as well as Best Fucking Acceptance Speech. You probably didn’t even know they give out awards for acceptance speeches, but they do.
They also give out awards to the best presenters. Kirk Douglas won the award for Presenter I Was Shocked To Learn Is Still Alive. Mila Kunis won for Presenter Who Gave Me A Boner.
And while Mila wasn’t nominated for Best Supporting Actress for her performance in Black Swan, she did receive an honorary award for Outstanding Achievement In Going Down On Natalie Portman. She certainly earned it. They had me watching that movie Pee Wee Herman style in the theater.
Oh man, how I would’ve liked to have been the director filming that lesbian sex scene. It would’ve been awesome: “Okay, ladies. I know this is awkward for you. And the first 25 takes were good, but I feel like we’re not quite there yet. Let’s do this a couple dozen more times, okay? Alright now, Mila, this time I want you to spit on her asshole, give that a try, and... Natalie, why are you crying? Just trust me. You’re going to win a fucking Oscar for this.” Which she did. And the film of course won the award for Best Girl On Girl Action.
Annette Benning and Julianne Moore from The Kids Are Alright won the award for Girl On Girl Action That Might Have Been Okay Twenty Years Ago But Now Is Just Gross, while Black Swan won for Girl On Girl Action That Would Have Been Illegal And Wildly Inappropriate Twenty Years Ago But Now Is Just Fucking Awesome. Although judging by his pedophile mustache, Black Swan’s director Darren Aronofsky wouldn’t have had a problem with it.
I for one think it’s pretty great that the Academy is now dedicating multiple awards to girl on girl action. That’s really why we go to the movies nowadays, isn’t it?
The King’s Speech won Best Original Screenplay, Best Director, Best Actor, and Best Picture. It also won the award for Least Conducive To Ridicule, because I couldn’t think of any jokes about it.
Finally, the hosts of the show: How did Anne Hathaway and James Franco stack up against the other hosts in the show’s history? I don’t know, but they certainly moved to the top of my list as the pair of hosts I would most like to see make a sex tape together. They edged out my previous favorites, last year’s hosts Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin. Their sex tape would’ve been hilarious: A pornography of errors.
Until next year…

  ---- JAMES J. HAMILTON is a writer & comedian in Pittsburgh - and he sounds like he should be on a campaign poster from 1888.

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