Thursday, February 3, 2011

Super Bowl Friday: Excused Absence Letter - by NANCY BERK

Dear Employer,

I realize this is late notice but I am requesting this Friday as a personal day. I believe after reviewing my rationale, you will agree this is critical to the well-being of our nation. Steeler Nation.

I need Friday off because, Friday’s the only day I can...

get my car to the dealership to fix the broken antenna so it can support a team windsock.

schedule my black and gold mani/pedi.

schedule the dog for grooming and his complimentary Steeler bandanna.

pick up the even bigger tv at Best Buy.

dress up my lawn ornaments in team colors (Hello. We’ve had snow and ice storms, so I’m forced to do it again.).

run to Costco for bulk chips and still have another day to get to Giant Eagle for everything else I forgot.

get myself waxed so I don’t look like Brett Keisel.

If I wait until Saturday...

the State Stores are going to be a zoo and I’ll have to line up to pull into the drive-thru beer distributorship.

Mike Fineberg’s will be all out of their black and gold Mardi Gras beads.

I’ll never be able to snag enough parking spots for our party guests. I need to put out the kitchen chairs at least 48 hours in advance.

I won’t have enough time to wash my load of Terrible Towels (Okay, I’m panicking. Don’t make me beg. I know I’m not supposed to wash them.)

Please consider my request. I’m starting to feel desperate. The last game party I attended I brought a 36 layer dip and we won. So I’m gonna need a little extra time.

Thank you for your consideration. Please say “yes”, don’t make me point my yellow foam finger at you.

Your Dedicated Employee

PS: Either way, I’m also going to need Monday off.

-- Nancy Berk, "The Stand-Up Psychologist," has been described as “Dr Phil meets Erma Bombeck”.  Author of Secrets of a Bar Mitzvah Mom, Co-host of Whine At 9, she’s been spotlighted in the New York Times about over-the-top bar mitzvahs and interviewed by the Wall Street Journal on how to navigate nightmare double dates. One of the 2010 winners of the Erma Bombeck Writing Competition, she is a guest writer for, and Chicken Soup for the Soul and a columnist for SHADY Magazine and

1 comment:

Judy said...

I sent this to my boss and here is his response:)..." Of course a plea that well written requires much consideration. My initial thoughts were to grant your unusual request, but then the Bret Keisel line threw me off a bit (visuals like that are usually grounds for immediate denial of said request)... However, I am a reasonable man, and a Steeler fan as well so that puts us between a rock and a hard place... Let's talk tomorrow..."