Monday, February 21, 2011

The Science Behind Bieber Fever: by DERRICK KNOPSNYDER

   It's been exactly 661 years since the Bubonic plague, or the black death as many of us know it, now there is a new terminal illness sweeping the nation, Bieber Fever. Although many scientist believe that Bieber Fever is not contagious there have been no tests to prove it. Concerned? You should be! There are some of you out there right now probably suffering or enjoying this such disease wondering if there is hope for you, but sadly there is no known cure for it. This article is set up to help those people suffering from it, who think they have it, and those who just aren't sure.

    Before I can help you with the disease, we must first understand what Bieber Fever is and who it affects. Bieber Fever named after it's creator Justin Bieber is a disease that affects the subliminal parts of the brain, where the music fairy lives. When a person contracts Bieber Fever the music fairy gets immediately lulled to sleep, after the music fairy is sleeping the Canadian music fairy hops in and takes over, tuning your inner thoughts to nothing but Justin Bieber, the same way Pandora radio does. Once the Canadian music fairy, or CMF for short, takes over it will continue to pump thoughts and ideas into your head which will lead to things like buying "My World 2.0" and "My World 2.0 Acoustic" but it doesn't stop there, then it tells you to buy Bieber posters, and concert tickets. I know you're all probably thinking the same thing... Could this happen to me? Truth is, yes it can. Bieber Fever affects a high number teenage girls age 8 and older, and boys ages 12-15. In a weird sense of the term, Bieber Fever is kind of like aids, the straighter you are, the less likely you are to have it. However even straight males ages 19-45 have been diagnosed with server cases. Now that we know who it affects, and how it's caused, we need to learn the symptoms so you can diagnose yourself if you think you have it.

    Regardless of the situation even if you aren't showing any symptoms, if you're a women you have Bieber Fever. Studies that date back to the Garden of Eden prove that when Eve ate the apple, she also was genetically programmed to be a carrier of the disease. Now for the guys, if you have ever been driving in your car (truck for the "manly" man) and you scan your radio and a Justin Bieber song is playing you've been introduced to the disease; it could strike at any moment. If you go see the movie "Never Say Never" because your girlfriend wanted too, even if you don't enjoy it you have Bieber Fever. If you were born with even number of fingers and toes, which is 96% of the male population you are more prone to get it than the other 4%. If you write a blog about Bieber Fever, while listening to Justin Bieber, you have it. Still don't think you have it? Well you do... But you aren't a minority, and there are support groups out there that you can seek to get help. The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem.
    "Okay, I don't have any of the symptoms so I think I'm good. Right?", random guy who is in denial. Well we can't be so sure yet, I've developed a two step test that will tell you for certain, step one get a group of friends together and go see Never Say Never. Step two, buy My World 2.0 and the book (it's written for his fans that are 12 year old girls, it's a really easy read) put the CD on repeat and read the book by yourself. If it doesn't inspire you to buy a Justin Bieber poster, then congratulations you don't have Bieber Fever but good luck feeling like a social outcast when all your friends are ranting and raving about how cool he is and you can't relate. You will probably be forced to move to Mexico or some third world country where they don't have radios or good taste in music, more than likely you'll fit in.

 -- DERRICK KNOPSNYDER is a young, upcoming comic in Pittsburgh, performing all over the city by the way of California University, PA. He looks like Justin Bieber a little too....ladies...

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