Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Animals Would Rather Starve than Listen to Creed: by RON PLACONE

Sounds like a harsh review from a pretentious music journalist doesn't it?  Sadly, for pseudo-grunge-pseudo-Christian-rock-sort-of band Creed, it's actually a reality. 
In Rakkestdad, 13-year-old Walter Eikrem was walking home from his school bus stop when he saw four wolves near his home, his mother had meant to pick him up because she had heard reports of wolves being in the area, but she got held up shopping.
Eikrem had remembered his mother's advice that he should never run from wolves (apparently his mother is better at giving advice than she is at providing transportation), and decided to turn his speakers on full-blast to scare them away.  The song playing was "Overcome" by Creed.  The wolves left and Eikrem is fine, however, tragically, the use of the song "Overcome" indicates that the band Creed is still making music, as this is an unknown fact for the majority of society many are disappointed by the news.  Especially, as coincidence would have it, the wolves themselves. 
My animal correspondent and cat, Lucy, was able to get in a few words with Tucker, one of the wolves at the scene.
 
Lucy: So, what have you guys been doing in the area?

Tucker: We're just passing through, I know people are kind of freaked out with us being here but whatever, they'll just have to evolve, we got to move, ya know?
 
Lucy: Well being domesticated myself I can only imagine, so you have my sympathy.
 
Tucker: You know, there were some classical violinists back in the day that used us as mascots so to speak, that was way back when, one of my great-great-grandfathers had that gig for awhile.  You know, over the years you'd think with Alice Cooper, Marilyn Manson, that someone would've gotten on board but nobody has, what can you do?
 
Lucy: I guess you guys have been a bit under-represented these days...
 
Tucker: There's the Twilight crap, but really that doesn't help us, my pack's a bunch of rock and rollers, you know, till the end.
 
Lucy: I dig that.  So what were you guys doing when you encountered Eikrem specifically?
 
Tucker: You know, it's funny, we were making mix-tapes for each other.
 
Lucy: Wow! What a coincidence!
 
Tucker: I know, right?
 
Lucy: So, I won't keep you, so let's get to it: Was it Creed that made you guys leave?
 
Tucker: Oh, of course.  I mean, come on, that stuff's just awful, we didn't even know what it was.  John (one of the other pack members) was all like, "what the piss, sounds like someone's giving an electric guitar an abortion!" And, you know, we all had a laugh with that one, but it was just awful, awful racket. 
 
Lucy: Made you lose your appetite?
 
Tucker: Completely.  Then we thought, maybe we should eat this kid, I mean the world could certainly use one less Creed fan right?  I'm pretty sure they're the lowest form of humanity, definitely less evolved than we are.
 
Lucy: Oh, absolutely.
 
Tucker: But then we realized, the kid's only 13, he's got time to evolve, I mean I know I've got some skeletons in my closet from when I was that young, but, what can I say, I really dug eating humans, not as much of a thrill these days...
 
Lucy: No, that's true.  I'm pretty sure my provider was listening to Blink-182 when he was 13, he's doing much better now in those regards, he still talks to me more than I think is healthy for humans to be doing, but I just role with it.  Anyway, do you guys think you'll be back that way?
 
Tucker: Actually, we already have been back that way.  John felt bad for the kid, especially since he's got a neglectful mum, so he buried a few records in the back yard, you know, to help the kid get on a better path, there was some Rolling Stones, Tom Waits, a little bit of MC5, Duran Duran, which I know pained John to part with, but, you know, I guess he had a soft spot for the kid.
 
Lucy: That's noble of you.
 
Tucker: Human species is going to hell in a paw-basket, may as well do our part right?
 
Lucy: Good call, well, I'm sure you've got to hit the roam again, thank you for your time.
 
Tucker: Cheers, stay safe on the domestic front yeah?
 
Lucy: For sure, safe travels.
 
We’re all left to wonder, perhaps if humans had similar tastes to wolves top-40 radio would actually be bearable.
---
RON PLACONE will be performing TOMORROW night at Club Cafe with HAMELL ON TRIAL: WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 2nd, 2011, 7PM - See previous blog for more info.
--- Ron is a comedian and writer that has returned to Pittsburgh after blowing-up comedy in Seattle, WA.

Check out his website at RonPlacone.com

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