Monday, January 3, 2011

Fake News: Local Miser Taken to Insane Asylum by TRAVIS WALLING

Fake News: 1843

Local business owner Ebenezer Scrooge was taken to an eastern London insane asylum on the day after Christmas. This unexpected incarceration was coordinated by Scrooge’s family, workers, and various townspeople. They were noticing extreme changes in behavior and bizarre ranting by the town’s wealthiest moneylender. “We’re not sure what caused it exactly,” said Scrooge’s nephew Fred, “but I’d become used to him being a greedy, miserable bloke who hated me my whole life. Then out of the blue he shows up at my house on Christmas day wearing nothing but pajamas, exclaiming that he loved me because ghosts told him he should, and just generally acting like he was high on ecstasy.” When pressed on what exactly “ecstasy” was Fred responded “It’s a mixture of opium and horse manure; truly the 19th century’s greatest invention”

“Yeah, he threw open his window and started frantically asking me what day it was,” said a local nameless street urchin “before I answered I took a look around at all of the Christmas decorations that were up everywhere, the annual present opening going on in the town square, and the giant banner that was being hung across the street that said [Merry Christmas..... that’s today by the way] in giant letters. And all I could muster in response was ‘Uh, today? Why it’s Christmas day. What’re you stupid?’ I don’t think he caught the last part. Then he just started throwing money at me and ordering me to take food to people I’d never heard of. F’in nutjob man”

One of the main people responsible for Scrooge’s incarceration was Bob Cratchit, a clerk at Scrooge’s money-lending office. “I don’t really know where to begin. First he tells me that a ghost told him that my son Tim would die from his 'disease' if he (Scrooge) didn’t become a nicer guy. My son has a sprained ankle, he’ll be walking normally in 2 or 3 weeks, I’ve told Scrooge that many times. And I'm no doctor, but a stranger being nice to him probably wouldn't have cured his terminal disease anyway. Then he tells me that he’s giving me a raise and starts talking about making me a partner in his firm. While I wasn’t going to fight him about it I’ve been working there for about 5 weeks. My last job was as an assistant chimney sweep, I’m not exactly someone you want to be making important decisions or give a lot of power to. Then the craziest thing of all: he brought us a turkey. A turkey on Christmas! Who eats turkey on Christmas instead of ham or goose?! Turkey’s for Thanksgiving dammit! That’s completely insane and worthy of being committed to an asylum in my mind.”

Scrooge was taken to The Ravenscroft Mental Institution, where he will remain until he shows a vast improvement in his mental faculties. Officials at the institute are not confident of that however as Scrooge at various times claims that he thinks he’s a duck, a woman, or that he’s surrounded by little weird talking animals that’re wearing clothes. 

TRAVIS WALLING is a comedian from Pittsburgh; check out more of his writings at his website.  

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