Friday, December 24, 2010

Wet Bandits Apprehended! by JEFF KONKLE

Chicago, IL –  The serial burglars known as the Wet Bandits were arrested last night thanks to a vigilant and vindictive neighborhood boy.

10 year-old Kevin McCallister of Winnetka Village, about 20 miles north of Chicago, single-handedly foiled the Wet Bandits planned robbery of his parents’ house.  Through a series of inventive and dangerous booby-traps, McCallister was able to nearly cripple the burglars.

The Wet Bandits, also known as Harry Lyme and Marv Merchants, spent the night in the Schaumburg Hospital after sustaining severe trauma upon trying to unlawfully enter the McCallister residence.  They had terrorized up to 15 locations in the surrounding area, clearing the house out first then flooding it to destroy the evidence.

“I’ve seen some home-owners take revenge on robbers before, but this was too much,” commented detective Mike O’Rourke.  “These guys were scum bags no doubt, but I don’t think they deserved to be paralyzed.”  

“All I wanted was some cheese pizza,” said McCallister as he was taken away by Child Youth Services.  Most likely the ten year old will spend some time at Chicago’s Children’s Hospital undergoing extensive psychological testing.  McCallister was accidentally left home alone by his parents, who flew to Paris for a Christmas vacation.

“Abandonment issues can often manifest themselves in detached or sadistic behavior,” said Dr. Karen Paulsen, Director of Child Wellness at the hospital.  “After the neglectful actions of his parents, Kevin systematically tortured and mutilated Lyme and Merchant.  This is a red flag to child psychologists.  This behavior may continue.”

Lyme is being treated for several third degree burns, the worst of which came after a rigged blowtorch ignited as he opened the kitchen door, searing off part of his scalp.  Lyme also has a cracked sternum and a bulging disk in his back after tripping on some Micro-Machines.

Doctor’s are saying that Merchant will most likely need to have his left foot amputated after he punctured it on a ten-penny nail that was tarred to the steps of the basement.  He sustained further injuries as well, including 4 severed tendons in his right foot from stepping on glass ornaments and a fractured orbital bone from being struck with a free-falling iron.   

Both sustained brutal concussions when they were hit with full paint cans as they tried to chase McCallister up the stairs of his house.  They were later bludgeoned with a shovel by neighborhood resident “Old Man” Marley.

“Back-to-back concussions are very dangerous,” commented Dr. Vidal Kwali, resident at Schaumburg Hospital.  “Both patients are having trouble with their fine motor skills and language comprehension.  They’ll probably never be the same.”

McCallister shouted to the Wet Bandits as they carted them into the ambulance, “Keep the change you filthy animals.”  Many Chicago homeowners will echo that sentiment.

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Jeff Konkle is a stand-up comedian who can currently be seen featuring at the Improv Waterfront, he has opened for national headliners like - Aries Spears (Mad TV), Bill Burr (HBO, Comedy Central Presents), Josh Blue, Kevin Brennan, Juston McKinney and Pauley Shore.

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