Tuesday, December 14, 2010

'Start Winning or We'll Drop You' EA Tells a Laughing Tiger Woods by TRAVIS WALLING

Fake News: Sports

A meeting was held at Electronic Arts headquarters on Monday, and an ultimatum was laid down to golfer Tiger Woods by EA CEO John Riccitiello. “We have a business relationship with you, it's based on you being the best golfer in the world. So we’ve come to the decision that if you don’t start winning again we’ll drop you as the poster-boy for our golfing video games”.

Mr. Woods was able to stifle his laughter for a good 5 seconds before bursting out in a guffaw heard down the spacious hallway leading to the CEO’s office.

“No, we’re serious” continued Mr. Riccitiello, “there are plenty of options for us if we don’t have you. We already have the posters made up for Lee Westwood 2012, he’s huge over in Belgium. Or wherever the hell he’s from.”

At this point Mr. Woods was out of his chair convulsing on the floor. “Stop it!” an increasingly annoyed CEO exclaimed “We have other options too; Phil Mickelson is just as good a choice. Of course, we’d have to borrow the breast templates from the DOA Volleyball girls to get his avatar right, but it’s doable. And let’s not forget, um.... Arnold Palmer? He’s still alive right?”

By this time Mr. Woods was practically begging for him to stop so he could breathe again. “Oh man,” Tiger said while trying to regain his composure, “this is funnier than the time Jordan bet me $100,000 I couldn’t beat up a homeless guy with my putter and get away with it”.

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TRAVIS WALLING is a comedian from Pittsburgh; check out more of his writings at his website

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