Friday, December 10, 2010

How To Save Money This Christmas by ERIC S. DONALDSON

Here are some great tips for you to save your well-earned pennies this Yuletide season!

Ralph Waldo Emerson, the great poet and neuroscientist, was once heard to say that the holidays feed our souls and nourish our heartstrings forever. But with the current jobless rate at 78%, most families are having to tighten up their wallets more than ever this year. You may have found yourself exclaiming, “It’s Christmas again, and I don’t have any money!” Following are some tips for you to save some of those crucial Yuletide pennies.

Recycle. Be creative. Before you throw an item away, ask yourself, “Could this item be helpful for the gift-giving season?” An empty tissue box could very easily be mashed down to pulp for use in new homemade Christmas cards. Old light bulbs with the cap removed make great on-the-go bowls for Cheerios. That old beach ball could be lanced and drained and used to build a rototiller-cozy. The possibilities are endless, while the impossibilities are finite!
Gas Crafts. Fuel prices have started creeping up again this winter, with no apparent end in sight. A thoughtful idea for the holidays is to use gas as a gift in itself. An ice sculpture made of frozen gasoline is not only beautiful, but extremely useful for making vehicles go around. Just place the petroleum-based hood ornament on your car with a funnel leading to your fuel tank. Not only will it brighten up your street, but it will get you to work the next day!
Take A Cue From The Animals. Has your puppy or kitty ever presented with you a gift? Animals show us that it’s the simplest pleasures that mean the most. Sometimes a piece of a dirty milk carton or a dead chipmunk can mean so much more than expensive jewelry or discount power tools. Just licking someone can be its own gift! Why present your son with an expensive remote controlled car when rubbing some dog shit on his leg can achieve the same effect?
Keep a Dream Journal! The most frugal of ideas can come to us in dreams. It is only when we dream that we make observations like, “I could buy this amusement park with a bag of candy,” or “My cousin, Don Johnson, will give me millions of dollars for my Denny’s receipt!” Keep a watchful eye open and you will be full of money-saving tips in the morning. Just steer clear of Cheech.
Skip a Meal. If there’s one thing everybody knows about Christmas, it’s that everybody eats too much. What better way to combat the extra pounds of holiday weight than by skipping meals? If your normal grocery budget is $200, try cutting it down to $75. Sure, you might be hungry, but that will make you want Christmas even more. You can also cut down on unnecessary prescription drugs that are cluttering up your medicine chest. Which would you rather see on Christmas morning? The smiling face of a child, or legs without tremors? Super easy question.
The Art of the Dodge. Children and the elderly (and sometimes the childerly) can be very easily persuaded. Simply tell them that “Our family celebrates Christmas at a different time than other families.” If they ask why, just explain that this is a surprise. After that, you can wait until you get a tax refund and do a big Christmas then. Or even save it for next year! Lots of families celebrate Christmas bi-annually, like the Pilgrims did.
Simple Money-Saving Methods! Some of the simplest ways to save money this holiday season are the most obvious; so obvious that we overlook them! For example, instead of throwing away your gift bag from last year’s Oscar ceremony, just give away the iPads and Viagra to your relatives as gifts! Put your endorsement deal money into a separate account throughout the year, and don’t touch it until after Thanksgiving. Just the interest alone will have generated millions of saved income!
Stealing: Your Last Resort. Sometimes, when times are tight, it might be a little tempting to do a little petty burglary to make ends meet. Remember where stealing a little loaf of bread got poor Jean Valjean? Nineteen years in prison, just to try to feed his family. What’s more, we never find out what became of his family. You can’t look it up because it’s FICTION. It’s like Victor Hugo wanted us to wonder aimlessly forever about the poor Valjean household. If we ever pioneer reanimation technology, I vote we resurrect Victor Hugo’s brain and find out whatever happened to this family, because while he didn’t want to write it, I’m sure he knows. He just held it back to be a prick. Stick to white collar crime if anything, that’s my point. Much bigger payoff, much shorter jail times.
Using these amazing and innovative holiday tips, you will be feeling better and scoring big points with your loved ones! Just don’t forget: Steer clear of Cheech.

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