Sunday, October 4, 2015

Erin Go Bye - by Mike Buzzelli

I was at a party the other night, and I deftly pulled off a maneuver I always wanted to try.

I mastered the Irish Goodbye. If you’re not familiar, the Irish Goodbye is when you leave a party without announcing your exit.

You can call it ghosting, the French Exit or just leaving unannounced, but I’m Irish and I’m going with it. I’m calling it the “Erin Go Bye.”

For a long time, I’ve been using the Italian Goodbye. That’s when you hug, kiss and shake hands with everyone as you leave. Somehow you end up circling back to where you started and someone says, “I thought you left 20 minutes ago?”

I’m Irish and Italian, and I can get away with stereotyping my peeps.

I’m a “So long, farewell, Auf Wiedersehen, goodbye, I leave and heave a sigh and say goodbye” kind of person.

One night, I said goodbye so many times that everyone left before me.

There’s a definite exit strategy to a party.

You want to get there late enough that it’s all revved up, and bug out before it’s time to clean up. I have found myself in the kitchen washing dishes at the tail end of many parties.

I decided to call this the Amish goodbye; you just can’t leave when there’s work to be done. If they’re willing to raise barns for each other, I’m pretty sure they wash a few dishes before going home. I can pretty much guarantee they’re not loading or unloading the dishwasher.

After years of my patterned behavior, it was hard to just disappear, but I found the Irish Goodbye works nicely. Unless you’re the host.

It may be too early to tell. I have only used the maneuver once, but I’m very pleased with it. There was a certain satisfaction. In the past, I’ve announced my departure, only to have someone give me a halfhearted wave and nod. I always prefer a grander gesture like, “You can’t leave! We were just about to play Parcheesi!”

For the rest of the article, click here

Mike Buzzelli is a stand up comedian and a sit down author. His book, "Below Average Genius," a collection of humor columns culled from the Observer-Reporter, can be purchased here!

Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Premiere of The Millennials: The Internet

The Millennials is a new comedy talk show that explores new trends in tech, entertainment, and social/political issues. The show is shot at the EpicastTV Studios in Pittsburgh, PA and stars Ray Zawodni, Ed Bailey, James J. Hamilton, Alex Stypula, Collin Chamberlin, and more.
Created by Dustin Dowling.

Sunday, September 27, 2015

A Handmaid's Hairy Tale - By Michael Buzzelli

I was on my hands and knees cleaning the hair out of the bathtub the other day when I realized I was feeling good. Granted, it was an unusual position to have such a revelation, but I have a good reason.

Earlier in the year, I had exploratory surgery. The doctor went into a vein on my wrist, and I wasn’t able to carry more than 20 pounds in that hand for months. I remember being on my hands and knees cleaning the tub and thinking, “How am I going to get up?”

I knew that I couldn’t put the weight of my body on my hand. I may be delusional about my weight, but I know I weigh more than 20 pounds. I propped myself up on my elbows and tried not to fall while I was rising, because if I grabbed onto something and used it to steady myself, I could reopen the wound. It was a delicate, balletic maneuver I performed while wearing only a bath towel. Don’t picture it.

Around that time, I was in a show called “Intentional Icing.” I played a disgruntled hockey coach who was upset because the owner put a woman on the team. I trotted around stage in a track suit, chomped on a cigar and complained about women. It was a character as far away from me as you could possibly get and still be an earthling.

We didn’t have much of a crew. When we had to load the set and props in, I told them about my surgery. I stood around watching people work like a diva. Contrary to popular belief, I’m not a diva and it was uncomfortable for me to watch people do stuff I should have been doing. I couldn’t lift many of the props, aside from my cigar, ashtray and clipboard. I did carry a few chairs onto the set, with my good arm.

I felt like Dr. Zachary Smith from “Lost in Space,” whining about his sacroiliac while Professor Robinson and Major West did all the heavy lifting. P.S. I couldn’t think of a more ancient analogy (Dear whippersnappers, please see IMDB for reference material).

Soon, I started healing and my weight restriction was lifted (right after the load-out for the play). Then, I broke my toe.

Once again, rising from the bathtub after cleaning it was monumental task. There was even a slight overlap between weak arm and useless toe. Getting from the bathroom floor into a standing position was a comical sight. Luckily, no one watched. Once again, don’t try to picture it. I am warning you for your own sanity.

P.S. I have to clean the tub every day. I shed like a Pomeranian in heat.

For the rest of the story, click here

Mike Buzzelli is a stand up comedian and a sit down author. His book, "Below Average Genius," a collection of humor columns culled from the Observer-Reporter, can be purchased here!

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

Every Wednesday Ronald Renwick hosts Scarpaci's Comedy Open Mic. Click on the video for more details.


Sunday, September 20, 2015

Shoo fly, Don't Bother Me - by Mike Buzzelli

On vacation I had to make some tough, executive decisions such as:

“Should we play volleyball or toss the Frisbee around?”

“Should we go to the beach or hang by the pool?”

And, of course, “Margarita or mojito?”

It was nearly a perfect week with delightful company; however, it was also fraught with peril. Being me comes with its own set of hazards. I cannot escape paradise unscathed.

A wave hit me while my mouth was open and I ingested a shot glass full of ocean. P.S. Ick! Also, I cut my fingernail too short and it hampered my sandcastle building abilities. Hashtag me at “First World Problems.”

Then, one day on the beach, I met my nemesis: Haematopota pluvialis, the horsefly. Dunt Dunt Da!

In the Outer Banks, the horses run wild, and so do their stalkers. There are more than 40 species of fly in North Carolina. I’m just guessing here, but I can tell you for certain that it wasn’t your mama’s housefly. It was a fly so big it cast a shadow – a long, menacing shadow.

For some reason, I became the creature’s intended target. It chased me down. I was like Io running around the beach, chased by an evil pest.

Side note: According to Greek mythology, Io was a beautiful woman who had an affair with the king of gods, Zeus. However, when Zeus’s wife, Hera, the goddess of marriage (ironically), found out about the encounter, she turned Io into a cow. Hera wasn’t satisfied with the punishment and sent a maddening gadfly to pursue the heifer around the world to torment her, or something like that. Who am I? Bullfinch?

Additional side note (or side side note): I just compared myself to a cow. I hope I don’t get angry letters from my Hindu readers. P.S. I could have some!

I ran into the waves to avoid being bitten by this terrifying troublemaker, but I only went in waist deep and the horsefly bit me on the top of my head. It has a bite strong enough to pierce horsehide; surely it could even penetrate my thick skull. It hurt like a bee sting. I replied to the bite by saying, “(string of R-rated expletives deleted)!” which I followed up with, “(Second string of expletives, also deleted).”

Naturally, everyone thought I was a crazy person, because I was flailing my arms about, running around in a serpentine pattern and swearing. From far away, that says, “nut job.”

For the rest of the column, please click here

Mike Buzzelli is a stand up comedian and a sit down author. His book, "Below Average Genius," a collection of humor columns culled from the Observer-Reporter, can be purchased here!

Monday, September 14, 2015

Star Search (and other celestial bodies) - by Mike Buzzelli

Greetings from North Carolina. By the time you read this I will be on my journey home from my vacation. If you ever want to see a Grumpy Mike, FaceTime me Monday morning (it will be my first day back in the office after a prolonged visit to the beach).

Yes, I used FaceTime as a verb. I’m joining the 21st century, but in all the worst ways.

But I digress, like I do.

One evening, my friends and I went down to the beach late at night to stargaze. Out on the dark beach, I saw more stars than I ever do in Pittsburgh. They have better stars at the Outer Banks. Actually, we have the same stars. They’re just harder to see them because we have more civilization.

I think of myself as fairly knowledgeable of science when I’m with laymen. But my friends Harry and Alex actually know things. It turns out I’m an astronomy nitwit.

At least, I know the difference between astronomy and astrology. Astronomy is the study of celestial objects. Astrology is that blurb in the back of the newspaper that tells you, “You’ll come into money if you get out of your comfort zone.”

I was on a blanket on the beach, looking skyward, discussing nebulas, black holes and pulsars. I learned a nebula is an interstellar cloud of dust, hydrogen, helium and other ionized gases. It’s a lot prettier than it sounds. Of course, discussing gases is never very pretty.

We watched some shooting stars fly by. I thought every bright star I pointed at was the planet Venus. I was wrong about five times and finally gave up.

Since the universe is infinite, there is no real center. Wherever you are, it is the center of the universe. I already knew I was the center of the universe, but it was nice to have scientific proof.

We chatted about life outside our solar system. Cue the “Twilight Zone” music.

For the rest of the story, click here

Mike Buzzelli is a stand up comedian and a sit down author. His book, "Below Average Genius," a collection of humor columns culled from the Observer-Reporter, can be purchased here!

Wednesday, September 9, 2015

STEEL VALLEY FIRE COMEDY FUNDRAISER feat. Aaron Kleiber, Sean Collier, Mike Wysocki: Carnegie Music Hall, September 11, 2015

Some of Pittsburgh's finest comedians, including Steel Valley's own Aaron Kleiber, come together to make you laugh BENEFITTING ALL SIX Steel Valley Area Volunteer Fire Departments! 

HEADLINER: Aaron Kleiber 
(1999 Steel Valley Class Clown, Gotham Comedy Live, Nickelodeon, PA Lottery Commercial's Grover Cleveland)

FEATURING: Sean Collier (Pgh Mag, WDVE), Mike Wysocki (Q92 Jim Krenn Morning Show, Arsenio Hall) and Brian Linsenbigler (SV Grad)!

DOORS @ 730PM - SHOW @ 9PM
Chinese Auction & 50/50
AGES 18+ Adult Show 

SOLD at ANY Steel Valley Fire Department or ONLINE @

Carnegie of Homestead Music Hall
510 East 10th Ave Munhall, PA

Sponsored by:
Drusky Entertainment
Carnegie Library Music Hall of Homestead
Arcade Comedy Theater