I have triumphantly returned from the beach. Aside from my deep-seated hatred of my alarm clock, I’m still carrying around a positive, post-vacation smiley face. It’s a peaceful, easy feeling.
I spent a few days in Virginia and North Carolina. I went to the beach, the pool and a museum. I rode in a very fast boat and swam about 50 feet away from dolphins. One particular dolphin, Splashy McSplasherson (my own nickname for her), was showing off; she was splashing around incessantly. I heard there were a lot of newborns in the pod, and it’s quite possible she was just learning to use her flippers. I don’t want to unnecessarily anthropomorphize the sea mammal, but I guess I lost that fight the moment I gave her a name. Also, I was never that close to discern the sex of the animal but decided that she was a girl dolphin; because most people think of dolphins as boys (I blame Flipper). I want to add that even if I was able to get extremely close to the dolphin, I would probably still be unable to determine the sex of the creature.
Picture me, in a gravelly Dr. McCoy voice, saying, “Dammit Jim, I’m not a marine biologist, I’m a humorist!”
P.S.: I suppose it doesn’t matter if it’s a male or female dolphin. I’m not going to date one.
While on a dolphin-watching expedition, I learned bottlenose dolphins have signature whistles, a whistle that is unique to a specific individual. These whistles are used in order for dolphins to communicate with one another by identifying each individual. In other words, they have their own names, and they can recognize each other even after being apart for 20 years. I don’t want to be specist, but all dolphins look the same to me (I want to go on record as saying I don’t hate any dolphins, except when the Steelers are in Miami).
Clearly, dolphins are smarter than I am. I don’t remember people after 20 minutes; certainly not after 20 years. I ran into someone from high school, and I had to run home and look him up in the yearbook. To be fair, most dolphins don’t get fat and bald. It’s all the swimming.
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(Mike Buzzelli is a stand up comedian and a sit down author. His book, "Below Average Genius," a collection of humor columns culled from the Observer-Reporter, can be purchased here: