It’s summer, and it’s action movie season. In the winter, you get “The Room,” “Tangerine” and “Beasts of No Nation,” also known as “the list of films no one has ever heard of.”
They’re great movies; just don’t expect to find any of them in the DVD discount bin at Kmart.
In the summer, you get your monsters, spaceships and ghosts. The rule is big explosions and as many as possible. I love sitting in a movie theater watching other people run around on the big screen.
Popcorn tastes better when the end of the world is involved.
I was eating the small popcorn (still the size of six microwavable bags) at a period piece called, “Love and Friendship,” and it just didn’t taste as good. I was very disappointed in the film. Not one person in that movie chased anyone – not even on horseback! There were no fiery death scenes. There were no people flying backward (no green screens and no actors trussed up in harnesses).
I’m convinced explosions and car chases give the popcorn flavor.
That, and salt.
By the way, “Love and Friendship” was about love and friendship! I was shocked. Actually, the title was ironic, but in a subtle English manor-born kind of way.
There were actual jokes in the movie, but they were jokes of the kind that would cause rich, white women to clutch their pearls and say, “Oh, how droll! How very droll!” Picture Margaret Dumont (shout out to my Marx Brothers fans).
But I digress, like I do. The topic at hand is summer action movies.
These films are perfect for people with attention deficit disorder. You know, people who get easily sidetracked or go off-topic.
Stop looking at me!
Earlier in the summer, the superheroes rolled through. Batman fought Superman, and then they teamed up to stop the bad guy.
Captain America fought Iron Man, and then they teamed up to stop the bad guy.
Professor X fought Magneto, and then they teamed up to fight the bad guy.
These superheroes need to take an anger-management class. For the record, I know Magneto isn’t a superhero, but he always ends up helping the good guys in the third act.
There’s a new Jason Bourne film coming, titled “Jason Bourne.” I’m surprised it took them this long to come up with the title. This is the fifth in the movie franchise.
One of them was a Jason Bourne movie without Jason Bourne! But Jason Bourne is back in “Jason Bourne,” or rather the titular star Matt Damon returned.
He’ll be crashing through windows, beating down bad guys and trying not to die for two hours while the bad guys will sit in a dark office looking at computer screens saying things like, “Give me a close-up on three,” “Enhance the image” and “Oh my God! Is that him? It is. That’s Jason Bourne.” They’re also shocked Matt Damon returned to the franchise.
Mike Buzzelli is a stand up comedian and a sit down author. His book, "Below Average Genius," a collection of humor columns culled from the Observer-Reporter, can be purchased here.