Sunday, June 28, 2015

The Day of the Dolphins by Mike Buzzelli



I have triumphantly returned from the beach. Aside from my deep-seated hatred of my alarm clock, I’m still carrying around a positive, post-vacation smiley face. It’s a peaceful, easy feeling.

I spent a few days in Virginia and North Carolina. I went to the beach, the pool and a museum. I rode in a very fast boat and swam about 50 feet away from dolphins. One particular dolphin, Splashy McSplasherson (my own nickname for her), was showing off; she was splashing around incessantly. I heard there were a lot of newborns in the pod, and it’s quite possible she was just learning to use her flippers. I don’t want to unnecessarily anthropomorphize the sea mammal, but I guess I lost that fight the moment I gave her a name. Also, I was never that close to discern the sex of the animal but decided that she was a girl dolphin; because most people think of dolphins as boys (I blame Flipper). I want to add that even if I was able to get extremely close to the dolphin, I would probably still be unable to determine the sex of the creature.

Picture me, in a gravelly Dr. McCoy voice, saying, “Dammit Jim, I’m not a marine biologist, I’m a humorist!”

P.S.: I suppose it doesn’t matter if it’s a male or female dolphin. I’m not going to date one.

While on a dolphin-watching expedition, I learned bottlenose dolphins have signature whistles, a whistle that is unique to a specific individual. These whistles are used in order for dolphins to communicate with one another by identifying each individual. In other words, they have their own names, and they can recognize each other even after being apart for 20 years. I don’t want to be specist, but all dolphins look the same to me (I want to go on record as saying I don’t hate any dolphins, except when the Steelers are in Miami).

Clearly, dolphins are smarter than I am. I don’t remember people after 20 minutes; certainly not after 20 years. I ran into someone from high school, and I had to run home and look him up in the yearbook. To be fair, most dolphins don’t get fat and bald. It’s all the swimming.





(Mike Buzzelli is a stand up comedian and a sit down author. His book, "Below Average Genius," a collection of humor columns culled from the Observer-Reporter, can be purchased here:
http://www.amazon.com/Below-Average-Genius-Michael-Buzzelli/dp/1605949310/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1427641848&sr=8-1&keywords=below+average+genius)


Thursday, June 25, 2015

4th ANNUAL DVE COMEDY FEST DEPLOYS FUNNY PEOPLE ALL OVER TOWN: Friday, June 26, 2015



FOURTH ANNUAL DVE COMEDY FEST DEPLOYS FUNNY PEOPLE ALL OVER TOWN
The DVE Comedy Festival regularly attracts nationally known acts to Pittsburgh’s thriving comedy scene, previously featuring buzzed-about comedy queen Amy Schumer and comic and actor Harland Williams. So it’s no surprise that the lineup for the fourth annual fest is packed — tomorrownight’s main event at the Byham Theater boasts “SNL” Weekend Update co-anchor Michael Che, bestselling author Jim Norton, iTunes chart-topper Tom Segura and Christina Pazsitzky, co-host of the quirky, widely acclaimed podcast “Your Mom’s House.”
The main event is far from the only show in town — as part of the festival, there will be three other stages of comedy around the city. Comedians will battle it out at Arcade Comedy Theater’s “Comic Wars,” where they’ll split into two teams for an improvised showdown. Another group of local and touring comics will take over South Side’s Rex Theater at 10 p.m. If you’re still looking for more laughs late into the night, Club Cafe is hosting an installment of the popular, recurring “Loaded Show” at midnight, hosted by Aaron Kleiber.
(Byham Theater tickets and info here; Arcade Comedy Theater tickets and info here; Rex Theatertickets and info here; Club Cafe tickets and info here)

Monday, June 22, 2015

"The Brain on Vacation" by MICHAEL BUZZELLI


If everything goes according to plan, right now I’m on the beach. My mind left for the beach days ago. My body is a day or so behind. For those of you who suspected my brain to be a large, vacant, gray area devoid of any real thought, you are, at least at this time, correct.

I’m taking a few days and heading to where the land meets the ocean and says, “How do you do?” It’s a place where the waves smack endlessly against the sand.

A day before I leave, there’s a bounce in my step. It’s not just because the heel of my loafers is separating from the shoe. My right foot makes whoopee cushion noise every time I walk down an uncarpeted hallway. It’s a lot like the noise a sponge makes when you wring it out. Darn, that discount shoe store!

But I digress, like I do. The last couple of days, it was difficult to get out of bed, especially on those dreary, rainy mornings. I hit snooze twice and then turned off the alarm altogether. Finally, I rolled out of bed. Later, I found myself lumbering to the office from the parking lot, a slow, steady zombie walk. Any minute, Rick Grimes is going to pop out from behind a mailbox and blast my head off.

But today, the day before I drive to the beach, I’m positively leaping out of bed. Ironically, it’s so I can sleep in while on vacation. I’m good at a lot of stuff, but getting out of bed before the sun isn’t one of them.

I did notice going to the beach is a terrific motivator. Since I’m traveling by car, I had the oil changed, got a part fixed and washed my vehicle.

(Mike Buzzelli is a stand up comedian and a sit down author. His book, "Below Average Genius," a collection of humor columns culled from the Observer-Reporter, can be purchased here:
http://www.amazon.com/Below-Average-Genius-Michael-Buzzelli/dp/1605949310/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1427641848&sr=8-1&keywords=below+average+genius)

Pittsburgh Comedy Festival LAUNCH PARTY and FUNDRAISER at WIGLE WHISKEY, Northside: 530PM Thursday, June 25th, 2015




Ain't no party like a PCF party, 'cause a PCF party has cocktails! And that's just the beginning...
Pittsburgh Comedy Festival's Comedy Open House this Thursday! Even if you can only come by for a moment please grab a ticket online (only $5!) and come out to support your city and your comedy scene. There will be food, games from City of Play and BOOOOZE.
It's at Wigle Whiskey's Whiskey Garden and Barrelhouse in the Northside from 5:30-9pm
Buy in advance and save yourself money for another drink! And also tell your friends!!


If you’re curious about exploring the city’s comedy scene, or an existing fan eager to show your support, this super-fun fundraising party is for you! Enjoy short sets from local improv and stand-up acts, join in grown-up-friendly games lead by City of Play, and indulge in fantastic cocktails from Wigle’s award-winning distillery. Hungry? No worries – there’ll be food trucks on hand offering up tasty treats.



The Comedy Open House will also feature a delightfully unconventional comedy raffle. Buy tickets throughout the evening for the chance to be featured in a comedian’s set, have a song made up about you on the spot, and much more.

And of course, a slew of PCF staff members and performers will be in attendance to answer questions about the festival, set you up with passes, and chat about all the amazing people, venues, and opportunities awaiting comedy-interested Pittsburghers.

A portion of the proceeds from the evening will be donated to Pittsburgh Comedy Festival, which is a project of the non-profit group Comedy Arts Pittsburgh. PCF and CAP aim to expose Pittsburgh to the art of comedy, raise awareness of the imaginative, innovative talent that exists in the city, and engage Pittsburghers of all ages in the growing comedy community.

Tickets are $5 online at http://pittsburghcomedyfestival.org/comedy-open-house/ and $8 at the door. This event is 18+. Come party with us!


Sunday, June 14, 2015

A Walk with Dinosaurs

Comedian and author Mike Buzzelli 

“Jurassic World” just opened at the movie theaters, and I can’t wait to see it. I love dinosaurs from the Jurassic to the Late Mesozoic. My favorite is the scariest one of them all, the Tyrannosaurus rex. It’s simple nostalgia. There were a lot of dinosaurs around when I was a kid. Wait! Not actual dinosaurs. Geez, I’m not THAT old.

We had a lot of television shows about the Cretaceous critters back in my day, like “The Flintstones,” “Dinosaucers” and “Land of the Lost.”

I used to thrill as Rick, Will and Holly Marshall fended off T-rexes with a battering ram on “The Land of the Lost.” I always felt bad for their little man-ape friend Cha-Ka, who would freak out every week. He was the only one who seemed to realize that dinosaurs were big, freaking, man-eating monsters (or Pakuni-eating monsters, in his case).

The Marshalls were very blasé about fighting dinosaurs. It was before the days when green-screen guys with golf balls sewn all over their body would stand in for the actual monsters; most of the time the actors were looking slightly to the left of the T-rex and not actually at him. I also think the actors were a little bit high. I am convinced the creators, Sid and Marty Krofft, were. How else would you explain “H.R. Pufnstuf”? The name alone implies they were smoking something. Don’t even get me started on Charles Nelson Reilly running around on a kids’ show about talking top hats!

The “Jurassic World” critters look a lot more real, but I am having a slight problem with this new movie. As much as I love dinosaurs, I don’t know if I would vacation on an island with them. That seems like a really bad idea, like going-down-in-a-shark-tank bad. I’m talking an actual shark tank and not just trying to sell Mark Cuban some hot, new business idea. If you take into account the first couple “Jurassic Park” movies, it’s even more ludicrous. In “Jurassic Park: The Lost World,” a T-rex ate San Diego.

Trivia-busting side note: The Steven Spielberg movies are misnamed. Most people don’t know this, but T-rexes were prominent in the Cretaceous Period, but “Cretaceous Park” doesn’t have the same ring to it. You bet your Jurassic, it doesn’t!


(Mike Buzzelli is a stand up comedian and a sit down author. His book, "Below Average Genius," a collection of humor columns culled from the Observer-Reporter, can be purchased here:
http://www.amazon.com/Below-Average-Genius-Michael-Buzzelli/dp/1605949310/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1427641848&sr=8-1&keywords=below+average+genius)




Friday, June 12, 2015

Handle the Truth Movie Podcast: JURASSIC WORLD with Aaron Kleiber and guest, CHRIS PREKSTA (Pgh Dad, Mercury Men) #JurassicWorld


YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH: MOVIE REVIEW PODCAST
Sean Collier (WDVE Morning Show, Pgh Mag) takes the week off and Aaron is at the podcast helm for the first time!

Aaron and returning guest, director/writer Chris Preksta (Pgh Dad, Mercury Men), head to the theater for JURASSIC WORLD. Will they say bringing this franchise back from extinction was the right move? Plus, Aaron's thoughts on INSIDIOUS: CHAPTER 3 and much more!





Find us and rate the show in iTunes, add us to your playlists on Stitcher — and visit the Facebook page to leave your thoughts! Email us at handlethetruthpodcast@gmail.com! Or, find us on Twitter: @truthpodcast@aaronkleiber and @cpreksta!

Tuesday, June 9, 2015

Fork Full of Noodles with Krish Mohan Ep. 74-How We Take Our Privacy For Granted

New documents reveal that the NSA will be looking into our web traffic to prevent hacking. This will further endanger our privacy. This and our advancing technology. 

Written by: Krish Mohan
Directed by: Krish Mohan
Music by: Max Somerville
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