Thursday, July 30, 2015

Ronald takes his hatred out on smoking, SR885, baristas and Cecil the Lion.


ronald@ronaldrenwick.com 



Sunday, July 26, 2015

The Writing On the Wall



Last weekend, I was a guest on John McIntire’s “Dangerously Live Comedy Talk Show” at the Cabaret Theater in downtown Pittsburgh. All I had to do was show up, tell some jokes and participate in a panel discussion about political correctness.

Since the discussion was about being P.C., I got to tell my one and only Caitlyn Jenner joke: “I, too, recently learned I was born in the wrong body. I am a skinny person inside the body of a fat person. I am trans fat.” I tagged it with, “Actually, it was the trans fats that got me to this point.” Place rim shot here.

P.S. I realize the joke only works “I’m trans skinny,” but that’s not nearly as funny, even though there’s a “k” sound in skinny. K sounds are funny. Example: kumquat.

One of the other panelists was a handwriting analyst. She gave a brief demonstration of her ability by asking audience members up to the stage. She asked them to write on a dry-erase board. It was fascinating to see her share quick, little insights into people via their handwriting. Apparently, my friend Diane loops her D in a way that looks like naughty bits. But, at the time, I was only half convinced of the handwriting analyst’s prowess. It seemed like the phallic D was just a cock and bull story.

After the show, I sat down to speak with her. The analyst, Michelle, was a lovely lady with interesting stories about handwriting and lines of text she has decoded. She worked with the police department analyzing handwriting samples of criminals. Once, she was presented a note from a woman’s brother. She told the woman not to trust the writer of the note. That brother turned out to be a serial killer! Dunt Dunt Da!

P.S. I had to ask, “Was the note written in letters cut out from various magazines?” It was not.

After a few minutes of conversation over cocktails, I just had to pull out my set list from my back pocket. Luckily, she only analyzed the writing and did not critique the jokes. Trust me; they weren’t all as bad as the trans fat joke.


For the rest of this column, click here





Mike Buzzelli is a stand up comedian and a sit down author. His book, "Below Average Genius," a collection of humor columns culled from the Observer-Reporter, can be purchased here!

Friday, July 24, 2015

5 Arrested In Math Lab Bust BY JAMES J. HAMILTON

LAUREL COUNTY—The Laurel County Sheriff made the following statement to reporters:

"Neighbors been complainin bout multiplication and long division goin on round that house awhile, but nothin really come of it. However when we got wind they was doin trigonometry and multivariable calculus up in there, we called the SWAT Team straightaway and put a stop to it. Can't have that type a thing goin on same neighborhood as our children play in. You wouldn't believe the stuff we pulled outta there. Compasses, protractors, reams upon reams of graphing paper, more calculators than a man could count. Posters of Einstein all over the place. Down the basement there was a box may or may not've had a dead cat in it. We're still fuzzy on that. Arrested five people. One of em had equations writ all across his bedroom wall. When we threw him in the squad car he kept hollerin something bout fractal dimensions. Anothern had done put the quadratic formula into a TI-83 graphing calculator. Thing didn't come preprogrammed with it, he just figured out how to do it and programmed it in there hisself, for no good goddamned reason I can deduce. That's the level of depravity we're dealin with."

__________________________________
James J. Hamilton (@jamesjhamilton) is a comedian from Pittsburgh whose awesome genius is matched only by his incredible humility. Check out more of his writing and stand-up HERE on his website. 

Monday, July 20, 2015

Ronald Renwick got a new dad mug for his birthday.
   

follow: @ronaldrenwick 
facebook: Ronald Renwick

Sunday, July 19, 2015

Skyrockets at Night - by Michael Buzzelli



I was at Kennywood last Sunday, and I’m still a little dizzy. Once again, it was Italian Day, my annual trek to the amusement park with my nieces, nephews, cousins and various relatives.

This year, they moved Italian Day from a Tuesday to a Sunday. It seemed like that wouldn’t make a big difference, and for the most part it didn’t. But Italians are a traditional bunch. It did cost slightly more. Those Giant Eagle discount tickets are only good Monday thru Friday. Caveat emptor.

Though I saw a few people I haven’t seen in a while, it wasn’t the best place to catch up. It’s hard to hear anyone over the roar of the Thunderbolt. I literally bumped into people I haven’t seen in a while … on the bumper cars.

Side note: I planned on traveling the park in order: Garfield’s Nightmare to the Jack Rabbit to the Racer and so on. It did not happen that way. One minute we were in Lost Kennywood on the Whip, and the next we were in line for the Sky Rocket. We traversed the park from stem to stern, and back again, ad infinitum. Also, it wasn’t hot enough to get wet on the water rides, and we all agreed walking around the park in soggy clothes and squishy tennis shoes is really annoying. I had to pitch the Nikes I wore last year; even after washing them they smelled rank. Picture it: Foot order and muck from the Raging Rapids combined to make some sort of ghastly swamp creature. My shoes could have picked up Adrienne Barbeau and carried her off.

But I digress, like I do. I rode way too many spinning rides (“spinny” as we say in our neck of the woods). I have to emphasize that I was spun around after eating fried hot peppers. I also ate Falagone, an Italian potato pie, a homemade Caprese salad, fried zucchini and a few other unpronounceable-difficult-to-spell delicacies.

We had a lot of food at our picnic table. We could have fed a phalanx of Navy Seals. Frankly, you needed the constitution of a Navy Seal to eat sausage and peppers and go on the Bayern Curve. That should be on their test.

For the rest of this article, please click here: http://www.observer-reporter.com/article/20150717/COLUMN0701/150719558#.VavetvlViko




Mike Buzzelli is a stand up comedian and a sit down author. His book, "Below Average Genius," a collection of humor columns culled from the Observer-Reporter, can be purchased here;

http://www.amazon.com/Below-Average-Genius-Michael-Buzzelli/dp/1605949310/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1427641848&sr=8-1&keywords=below+average+genius)

Thursday, July 16, 2015

Out of Order Standup at Arcade Comedy Theater: Thursday, July 16 2015



Day Bracey presents another night of BYOB music & comedy, for the cheapy cheap @ the Arcade Comedy Theater downtown!

Music: Justin "Jett" Kalcevic (@jett724)

Comedy:
John Dick Winters (Race to The Coffin, @johndickwinters)
Ray Zawodni (Pittsburgh Improv, @reallifezawodni)
Patrick Macklin (Los Angeles Laugh Factory, @killbot350)

Host:
Day Bracey (Drinking Partners, @daybracey)

Arcade Comedy Theater
811 Liberty Ave, Downtown
Doors at 730pm, Show at 8pm
Tickets:


$10/$5 Students w/valid ID
Did I mention it is BYOB? Because it is. So, BYOB.

Sunday, July 12, 2015

As American as pizza pie - By Michael Buzzelli




The other day I used “veep” while playing Words with Friends and the computerized game accepted it. It was worth over 30 points because I hit the V on a triple letter tile. I would have never of come up with the word had it not been for the television show, “Veep.” Thank you, Julia Louis Dreyfus.

I know I’ve never used qi, xi, or za in a sentence, but I use them in Scrabble all of the time. One day last week, I decided to look those words up in the dictionary. While qat and xi have esoteric origins, I was surprised to learn that za was slang for pizza.

I eat pizza. Matter of fact, I had some on the Fourth of July. What’s more American than pizza?

Sure, a lot more of you eat hot dogs and hamburgers on Independence Day, but both hot dogs and hamburgers came over from Germany. I’ll stick with pizza.

Pizza in some form or another has been around since the 10th century. The ancient Greeks covered their bread with oils, herbs and cheese. The Romans made a similar dish with a sheet of dough topped with cheese and honey and flavored with bay leaves.

The legend goes that a pizza covered in tomatoes, cheese and basil, standing in for the red, white and green of the Italian flag, was made for Queen Margherita. Hence the very popular Margherita pizza was born.

My nana used to tell a story from her childhood. When she was a little girl playing with a friend, she was called to dinner.

Her friend asked, “What are you having?”

She said, “Pizza.”

Her friend said, “What’s that?”

My nana replied, “It’s sort of like bread with tomato sauce and cheese on it.”

Her friend winced, and told her, “That sounds disgusting.”

Imagine.

It was one of only two stories my nana used to tell from her early years. The other involved my Uncle Benny, who jumped off or was pushed off the roof of a barn. Something about either being dressed as Superman, or building an airplane from scrap wood in the yard. I don’t really remember. I liked the pizza story better because no one was injured.




Mike Buzzelli is a stand up comedian and a sit down author. His book, "Below Average Genius," a collection of humor columns culled from the Observer-Reporter, can be purchased here;

http://www.amazon.com/Below-Average-Genius-Michael-Buzzelli/dp/1605949310/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1427641848&sr=8-1&keywords=below+average+genius)