Sunday, September 21, 2014

The Object of My Affection

Author and Comedian Mike Buzzelli 

There is that feeling you get when you’re in love with someone. You think about them all the time. You fantasize about spending more time with them. From the moment you leave them, you can’t wait to see the object of your affection again. Yeah. I think I’m in love with my bed. The object of my affection is an actual object. I’m having an affair with my mattress.

I think my infatuation stems from the fact my bed and I don’t spend that much time together, and absence makes the heart grow fonder. I’m going to bed too late and getting up too early. I don’t know about you, but I feel like right after I set the alarm, it’s ringing again. The problem with sleeping is I do it unconsciously, and I don’t get to really enjoy it.

I like to get up in the middle of the night and realize, “Hey, it’s the middle of the night!” Resting my head back down at 2 a.m. always makes me happy. I feel like I have time to savor it. Suddenly its 6 a.m. and I’m swatting at the alarm clock, hoping to kill it. If I’m not in love with my bed, I do, at the very least, have a little hatred for my alarm clock.

I remember when I was a kid and my brother and I had a clock radio. It was set to WDVE. I swear I woke up every morning to “Stairway to Heaven.” I learned to loathe that song. I go into convulsions whenever I hear any Led Zeppelin song.

I was folding the sheets back into place this morning and hoping to unmake the bed and crawl back in. I fluffed the pillows and thought, “I can’t wait to be back here by your side.”

The moment it turned chilly, I wanted to return to my bedside. I want to throw the covers over my head and enjoy the company of my nightly companion, the bed itself. I blame the weather mostly. It’s colder than I would like it to be. I suspect it’s going to be a long winter, and I am ready for a long winter’s nap.

Mike Buzzelli is a stand up comedian and sit down author. His book, "Below Average Genius," a collection of his humor stories culled from the Observer-Reporter, can be purchased here: 

Sunday, September 14, 2014

Adventures on the Yough

Author and comedian Mike Buzzelli 

I’m back. I survived my whitewater rafting trip to Ohiopyle. It was a great adventure. We gathered at 10 a.m. in the parking lot of the raft rental place. There were 20 of us and five rafts.

My friend Matt organized the trip, and I didn’t know everyone. I did know all the people in my raft. I was lucky to get a raft with five of my closest friends. We were supposed to have five to a raft.

Math majors may have already guessed that if I was with five of my closest friends, there were actually six of us in the raft. There were two Mikes, two Chrises, a Jason and a Josh in one boat. We had to use last names and nicknames. I was Buzz, which is both a nickname and, at least, part of my last name.

A few miles down the river, we had to give one of our guys over to the boat that had four people in it. Connecting to the other boat in the river reminded me of spaceships docking. I wanted to say, “Docking procedure initiated,” in my HAL voice. One Chris hopped into the other raft. The captain of the other raft was named Wesley (there was only one Wesley on the trip). We waved to our former raftmate, and he and his new friends went down the river out of sight.

We had to do a lot of paddling. My arms were getting sore. I didn’t complain. Frankly, I was too terrified to complain. So, I pretended I was enjoying it. Ironically, I pretended to enjoy it long enough that I actually started enjoying it.

Then, my friend Chris went overboard. The other one. We lost half our crew at Dimple Rock, a notoriously dangerous set of rapids. Josh and Michael managed to get back in the boat. Not Chris. We reached out for him, but the current was too strong, and he floated away.

Mike Buzzelli is an author and comedian. His book, "Below Average Genius," a collection of humor columns from the Observer-Reporter, is available here:

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

BEETLEJUICE (Retro Episode) You Cant Handle the Truth MOVIE PODCAST with Sean Colllier and Aaron Kleiber

In this special retro episode, Sean and Aaron take in a screening of Beetlejuice. Once again, it's Sean's first time seeing the Tim Burton classic; will he be as pumped about the ghost with the most as he was about Die Hard? Also, Sean and Aaron get serious about movie ratings and build the YCHTT common-sense parents guide thing.

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Find us and rate the show in iTunes, add us to your playlists on Stitcher — and visit the Facebook page to leave your thoughts! Email us at! Or, find us on Twitter: @seancollierpgh and @aaronkleiber

Sunday, September 7, 2014

Mowing by Moonlight

Author and Comedian Mike Buzzelli

It was time to cut the grass. I either had to mow the yard or stick a scarecrow in front of it. Maybe I could convince my neighbors I was growing a low-yield, organic, heirloom-variety corn or wheat

The plan was to cut the grass Wednesday after work. It was my only free night. Thursday night was the opening of the Pittsburgh New Works Festival at Off the Wall Theatre in Carnegie. Friday, I saw “Dixie’s Tupperware Party” down at the Cabaret at Theatre Square. Today, I’m whitewater rafting in Ohiopyle. If I survive that, I’m going to see “Observe the Sons of Ulster Marching Toward the Somme.” That’s a heck of a title! It was shaping up to be a busy week. I only had one shot.

Wednesday, I was racing home from work. Unfortunately, traffic ate into my plans: Orange cones as far as the eye could see, like the poppy field in “The Wizard of Oz.”

I got home from work later than normal, but I got out there. I find mowing the lawn to be a meditative journey. It doesn’t take a lot of concentration, and it’s a great time to think about things. Blame a deep thought on the crooked lines. I skipped a strip last week and gave my yard a Mohawk.

I was mowing at twilight, racing against the clock, trying to finish before I was mowing in the dark. Suddenly, my meditative journey turned into an action thriller. I was Jack Bauer with a Toro. The hedges didn’t stand a chance. I accidently clipped some flowers on the side of the house. I shouted, “Leave them! I’m running out of time!”

I was on the last few rows in the backyard as the sun dropped behind the trees. I started sprinting with the mower out in front of me. It never occurred to me to put more lights on. 

For the rest of this story, click here:

Mike Buzzelli is an author and a comedian. His book, "Below Average Genius," is a collection of humor columns culled from his weekly column at the Observer-Reporter. For more information, click here:

Thursday, September 4, 2014

BLUE LIGHT SPECIAL: Dirty Standup Show @ Arcade Comedy Theater, September 6, 2014

All seven dirty words... a few times!

Catch Arcade Comedy Theater's #1 stand-up comedy showcase, BLUE LIGHT SPECIAL! First Saturday of every month!

Ray Zawodni
James J Hamilton
Melissa Stakoski
John Ralich
Hosted by Shannon Norman

$10/$5 students | BYOB


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Arcade Comedy Theater
811 Liberty Ave, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania 15222

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

COMIC WARS at Arcade Comedy Theater: Friday, September 5 2014 - Comedians battle it out!

Comic Wars introduces competition to standup in this head-to-head war where the audience helps by suggesting, voting AND heckling!

Hosted by Aaron Kleiber (Gotham Comedy Live, Nickelodeon)

Arcade Comedy Theater
811 Liberty Ave, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania 15222


20 plus year Comedy veteran, Matt Wohlfarth (Wolfie) has successfully turned standup comedy into a high-energy interactive game show called Comic Wars. Wohlfarth felt there were too many rules in standup; sit down, shut up, don’t heckle, and laugh when we want you to laugh. Comic Wars takes that paradigm and slams it on its head. It’s time to tap out of the old warn out standup comedy format. The audience wants to root for someone and they want to participate in the shows. Comic Wars introduces competition to standup and solves two problems for club owners; repeat customers and gaining media attention. Here is what the Pittsburgh City Paper said about Comic Wars, “It’s the Kronk Gym of comedy.” Comic Wars makes the audience a part of the show by asking them join in the fun by heckling the comedians, talk to the comedians, text the show, and even vote for the winning comedy team. Comic Wars is 9 rounds of heavyweight comedy action in a competitive environment that makes the 90 minute show fly by seamlessly.

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

JOKING OFF Standup Contest @ Caliente with John Dick Winters: Starting Sept 10, 2014

Joking Off is a weekly standup comedy contest where 10 comics "buy in" for $5 and put their money where their jokes are. At the end of the night the comics themselves will vote on the best set(not for themselves). WINNER TAKES ALL!

To sweeten the pot Caliente Pizza & Draft House is putting in an additional $50 bucks! So every week, a local comic will be winning a $100 dollars. Well $95 technically, shut up.

Starting September 10th and every Wednesday after that.

4624 Liberty Ave, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania 15224